couldn’t even get the words out. My throat and mouth dried up at even the thought of having to speak them.
Chris gave his head a firm shake. “What you didn’t ask me to do was completely understandable, April. Show me any mother in your situation who wouldn’t have had the thought, and I’ll show you someone who’s lying.”
“You really feel that way?” I asked, not proud of how small and disbelieving my voice was.
“Is there any other way to feel about it?” He dipped his head to the side. “I don’t even know everything he’s put you through, and I was thinking it before you’d even not asked.”
“You were?” My brows swept up and I crossed my arms. “You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”
“No.” Moving slowly, he started walking toward me. “It was a difficult situation. He was already really badly injured. Both of us know what kind of person he is. It’s impossible not to think about whether the world would’ve been a better place without him in it.”
“So you’re not worried I’m the kind of person who might kill you in your sleep after that?”
He blinked back surprise, then laughed again as he shook his head. “I know you’re not. You had a fleeting thought when the guy was on the brink of death anyway. Now that you’ve had time to think about it, how would you have felt if I’d done nothing?”
I blew out a heavy breath. “Wow. That’s a pretty tough question, but my sister said something very true this morning. I want a story I can be proud about telling Adi, and this is one that I feel that way about you.”
“We’re in agreement that we wouldn’t have been able to look her in the eyes again otherwise?” He came to stand right in front of me, peering down at me with such hope in his eyes that I couldn’t really believe he felt that strongly about how I felt.
“I know I wouldn’t have,” I said softly. “I also know I had no right to be mad at you. In that moment, it just felt like the answer to all my problems had fallen right into my lap. I know it sounds harsh.”
He reached for my hands, taking both of them in his without moving his gaze off mine.
“But it’s true. It did feel that way. Even to me. It doesn’t change the facts, though. I’m not a judge, jury, or an executioner. I’m a doctor, and he was my patient.”
“I know.” I sighed, turning my palms to wind my fingers around his. “So where does this leave us then?”
“I think that depends on you.” He adjusted his grip on me to tug me gently closer to him, then bent his knees to look right into my eyes. “I don’t want this to change anything between us. If it already has, I need to know if there’s a way we can move past it.”
I searched his gaze for a long minute, looking for anything that even vaguely resembled doubt or dishonesty. When I didn’t find it, I gave him a soft smile. “I think it has changed things between us but maybe for the better. This was our first big fight.”
“You call that a fight?” he asked, but his voice was light and teasing. “We had a disagreement about something we felt similar about. That’s it. I won’t deny that I’m still struggling with the decision I made, but there wasn’t really any other decision to make.”
“You’re right.” I let out a slow breath. “What you did was the right thing to do. There wasn’t any other decision to make. I’m not even really sure why I thought there was.”
“You didn’t really,” he said. “If you did, you wouldn’t be feeling the way you are now. It was a momentary lapse in judgment on both our parts. But more importantly, neither of us acted on it. You didn’t ask me to do anything or to not do anything, and I did what I had to do.”
“So what you’re saying is we’re allowed to have fleeting thoughts about murder?”
“Don’t most people?” He smiled but his expression turned serious again almost immediately. “We were just placed in a position most people who wish someone would just die don’t usually get placed in. His accident was that serious, and that’s on him.”
“Yeah, but I still feel horrible about it.”
Chris pressed his lips to my forehead and breathed in deeply. “I know. So do I.