And even that, he couldn't comprehend. Of course no one had ever held him close.
Held him like he mattered.
"I'm sorry, Ren. It's none of my business, I know. I'm just trying to imagine how hard it had to be on you growing up like you did." She winced as another wave of tears made her eyes water. "Did your father ever learn to love you?"
His features were as empty and blank as his tone. "No. He blamed me for the death of his wife. And he blamed my mother for the destruction of his homeland."
Something she was sure he took out on Ren.
"Why did he blame her for that?"
"He refused to believe that Apollymi came on her own to attack us. In his mind, my mother concocted all of it so she could have him."
How vain could one man be? "What? He thought your mother murdered Apollymi's son and destroyed two continents just to sleep with him?"
"I never said my father was a bright man. Thank the gods I inherited my intelligence from my mother and not him."
With those words, another vision went through her head. She saw Makah'Alay as a boy around the age of ten. He stood in the doorway of a room, staring at a bed that was surrounded by people who had their backs to him. She recognized the priests and medicine men. It was obvious they were there to cure someone, and it couldn't be his father since he stood at the head of the bed, looking down.
The oldest priest turned to face Ren's father. "I'm sorry, Chief Coatl. There's nothing left to do except prepare sacrifices in hopes the spirits will take mercy and leave Anukuwaya in this world."
Coatl's gaze darkened as he turned to see the son he hated standing there, hale and whole. His rage and hatred were tangible. Cursing, he headed for Ren.
Ren's eyes widened as he realized his father had become aware of his presence. He bolted for the hallway, but it was too late.
His father was on him before he could scurry away. He snatched the boy by his arm and shoved Ren against the stone wall. "What did you do to him?"
"N-n-n-nothing, F-f-f-father."
He backhanded Ren so hard that Ren fell to the ground. "Don't you dare lie to me! I know you're jealous of my son. That you covet his perfection." He grabbed Ren by the hair and wrenched him to his feet. Ren's lips and nose were bleeding as he clutched at his father's hand, trying to get him to let go.
"You better pray, boy, that nothing happens to my son. If Anukuwaya dies, I will gut you myself as an offering for his safe passage to the next realm. Do you understand? Now, whatever it is you have done to him, you better undo, or I will have your life as payment for it."
The vision vanished, leaving Kateri to stare into the eyes of the adult version of that little boy's face. A face that still had bleeding lips from the battle he'd fought for her.
Overwhelmed by it all, she reacted without thought and pulled him into her arms.
Ren froze at the foreign sensation of being held by someone as she buried her face against his neck and tightened her grip around his waist. Her tears dampened his skin, raising chills all over him. He was so stunned that he didn't know how to react to her fierce hug.
And in that one moment, something inside him shattered. It unleashed a long-buried dream that he knew better than to have. One where he lived a normal life with someone who would miss him if he was gone. Someone who would fuss at him if he was late and hadn't called ...
Closing his eyes, he inhaled her scent-a mixture of valerian and primrose. And all he could think about was being inside her. Of spending hours with her wrapped around his naked body.
Was this what it felt like to be loved? Not that he thought for one instant that she loved him. How could she? She didn't know him at all, because if she did, she'd be terrified and running for the nearest hole to hide in.
But love or not, this was the first time anyone had ever held him like this. Like she cared about him.
She'd been right. In all his life, he could count every hug he'd ever received. They were so rare and brief that he'd actually committed them to memory.
No one had ever held him to comfort him. Ever. His head reeled from emotions he couldn't even begin to name, and from the warmth her hug gave him. And here, for one single heartbeat, he allowed himself to feel that maybe, just maybe, he might be worthy of being loved by someone.
Don't be stupid.
The last time he'd entertained that fantasy had been with Windseer.
To this day, he could hear her mocking laughter after he'd made the mistake of confessing his love for her. "You didn't really expect me to say I love you, too, did you? While you are physically appealing and okay in bed, you're weak. Pathetic. You let everyone walk all over you and then wipe their feet on you when they're done. You cower into the shadows and shirk away every time your father draws near. Instead of being a man and standing up for yourself, you allow your brother to take credit for your skills and your kills. You're just a mewling little boy. You won't even accept the Grizzly Spirit's offer because you're too afraid to do so. How could any woman love something as pitiable as you?"
"I'm not p-p-p-p-p-p..." He'd been so upset by her attack that he hadn't been able to get anything else out. He'd stood there sputtering like he was as mentally defective as everyone thought him to be.