I love how the weather and time of day change the landscape of things, and the crazier the weather, the better the treasures. Of course, I have to plan around the weather if it’s lightning, but there’s always a little window of opportunity every day, if you’re flexible.”
“I don’t mean this to sound disrespectful, but I hope I have your energy when I’m your age.” Actually, I’d like to have it now!
“Ah, but I don’t have two babies to tend to. That seems like it would be exhausting. And no disrespect taken. I do love staying active. It’s part of what gives me purpose.”
“Purpose.” Amanda hung her head. She hadn’t been able to get the lie of omission from the other day out of her mind. What kind of friend would she ever be if they started this friendship on an untruth?
Amanda pushed her hair back over her shoulder. “Maeve, I owe you an apology. I wasn’t completely honest with you about something. I don’t even know why.”
“Oh, goodness. Well, I’m sure you had your reasons.”
“No, not good ones.” She rubbed her hands together. She’d tucked her wedding band in her jewelry box, thinking it would be easier if no one knew her situation. All part of the charade. “I…I moved here thinking I could leave something behind. That by being here where no one knew what I’d been through that it would be easier.”
Maeve didn’t say a word.
Amanda took a breath in trying to find the words. “It’s not easier. It’s different, but…” She pressed her lips together. “You’ve been so nice. The kids really like you, and I enjoy talking to you too. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you—” She swallowed hard. This was so much harder to explain than she’d thought it would be.
“Whoa. Slow down. Honey, you don’t owe me anything. You tell me whatever you need to as you feel you are ready. Some things are personal. You never have to apologize for that.”
“I wanted you, well not just you, but everyone…” She was babbling. For a moment, she closed her eyes and looked for strength. “I even told the real estate agent that I was in the middle of a divorce. I’m not.”
“Are you married?”
“Yes.” She glanced down at her empty ring finger. “No. Not anymore. Well, yes, forever. My husband passed away two years ago.” She looked at Hailey and Jesse playing in the sand. “We don’t talk about it much. I was so tired of being introduced as Amanda, followed by the stage-whispered ‘She’s widowed’ as if that were my last name. It tore at me over and over. I’m sorry I wasn’t up front with you about it, but I can’t stand people looking at me like I’m going to break down into tears.” Her own body defied her at times, like now. Her eyes tingled. “And yes, I might some days.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I should’ve been honest when Hailey mentioned Jack at the library, and I’m sorry.” Amanda reached for Maeve’s hand. “I want us to be friends.”
“We are.”
“I mean real friends. Like you call me and let me know if we can do something for you. Anytime. I mean it.”
“Thank you.”
“Like when I make a big pan of spaghetti but it’s too much for us, it’s okay because you can join us or I can drop some off to you. Like that.”
“I do love a good spaghetti. I’d like that very much.”
“Jack.” She suddenly wanted Maeve to know everything about him. “That’s my husband’s name. He was such a good father. A great husband and provider.”
“I’m sure you miss him very much.”
“I do. So much. People say it gets easier with time, but if that’s true, I haven’t gotten there yet. The first year was a blur. The second year was worse. Now…it’s…”
“You’re so young. I’m sorry that happened to you. To your family.”
They sat quietly for a moment.
“The pain.” Maeve shook her head. “Losing a spouse is losing half of yourself. Your better half in some cases even. The pain of that loss is inevitable. It’s going to happen to every couple at some point. One of you is going to lose the other.”
Amanda sniffled.
“Grief changes shape but doesn’t really ever go away, leaving a scar behind that affects everything we do. But, Amanda, the suffering is optional. Don’t let your grief turn into suffering. It’s a whisper-thin line there.”
“I’m not sure I understand. Aren’t they the same thing? Kind of action reaction?”