Shatter Me - Tahereh Mafi Page 0,64

molecular composition of the food and multiplies it.” Adam is standing beside me. “It doesn’t add any extra nutritional value, but it makes you feel fuller, longer.”

“And it’s cheap!” James says, grinning as he sticks it back in the contraption.

It astounds me how much has changed. People have become so desperate they’re faking food.

I have so many questions I’m liable to burst. Adam squeezes my shoulder, gently. He whispers, “We’ll talk later, I promise.” But I’m an encyclopedia with too many blank pages.

James falls asleep with his head in Adam’s lap.

He talked nonstop once he finished his food, telling me all about his sort-of school, and his sort-of friends, and Benny, the elderly lady who takes care of him because “I think she likes Adam better than me but she sneaks me sugar sometimes so it’s okay.” Everyone has a curfew. No one but soldiers are allowed outside after sunset, each soldier armed and instructed to fire at their own discretion. “Some people get more food and stuff than other people,” James said, but that’s because the people are sorted based on what they can provide to The Reestablishment, and not because they’re human beings with the right not to starve to death.

My heart cracked a little more with every word he shared with me.

“You don’t mind that I talk a lot, huh?” He bit down on his bottom lip and studied me.

“I don’t mind at all.”

“Everyone says I talk a lot.” He shrugged. “But what am I supposed to do when I have so much to say?”

“Hey—about that—” Adam interrupted. “You can’t tell anyone we’re here, okay?”

James’ mouth stopped midmovement. He blinked a few times. He stared hard at his brother. “Not even Benny?”

“No one,” Adam said.

For one infinitesimal moment I saw something that looked like raw understanding flash in his eyes. A 10-year-old who can be trusted absolutely. He nodded again and again. “Okay. You were never here.”

Adam brushes back wayward strands of hair from James’ forehead. He’s looking at his brother’s sleeping face as if trying to memorize each brushstroke of an oil painting. I’m staring at him staring at James.

I wonder if he knows he’s holding my heart in his hand. I take a shaky breath.

Adam looks up and I look down and we’re both embarrassed for different reasons.

He whispers, “I should probably put him in bed,” but doesn’t make an effort to move. James is sound sound sound asleep.

“When was the last time you saw him?” I ask, careful to keep my voice down.

“About six months ago.” A pause. “But I talked to him on the phone a lot.” Smiles a little. “Told him a lot about you.”

I flush. Count my fingers to make sure they’re all there. “Didn’t Warner monitor your calls?”

“Yeah. But Benny has an untraceable line, and I was always careful to keep it to official reporting, only. In any case, James has known about you for a long time.”

“Really . . . ?” I hate that I have to know, but I can hardly help myself. I’m a tangle of butterflies.

He looks up, looks away. Locks eyes with me. Sighs.

“Juliette, I’ve been searching for you since the day you left.”

My eyelashes trip into my eyebrows; my jaw drops into my lap.

“I was worried about you,” he says quietly. “I didn’t know what they were going to do to you.”

“Why,” I gasp, I swallow, I stumble on words. “Why would you possibly care?”

He leans back against the couch. Runs a free hand over his face. Seasons change. Stars explode. Someone is walking on the moon. “You know I still remember the first day you showed up at school?” He laughs a soft, sad laugh. “Maybe I was too young, and maybe I didn’t know much about the world, but there was something about you I was immediately drawn to. It’s like I just wanted to be near you, like you had this—this goodness I never found in my life. This sweetness that I never found at home. I just wanted to hear you talk. I wanted you to see me, to smile at me. Every single day I promised myself I would talk to you. I wanted to know you. But every day I was a coward. And one day you just disappeared.

“I’d heard the rumors, but I knew better. I knew you’d never hurt anyone.” He looks down. The earth cracks open and I’m falling into the fissure. “It sounds crazy,” he says finally, so quietly. “To think that I cared