Leveret sighed deeply and the breath caught in her throat. She felt unutterably sad as she looked down at the boulders below. As she’d done so many times before, she questioned the point of it all. Her life was a misery and everyone was against her. The one thing she wanted to do – roam Stonewylde freely so she could learn about the plants and fungi, collect them and make concoctions to heal – was forbidden, and instead it was all duty. She must go to school, must work hard to get good exam results, must help with all the jobs at home, must join in the Village activities and be like everyone else.
But she wasn’t like everyone else. The other girls of her age – Tansy, Linnet, Bryony and Skipper to name a few, and even the younger ones like Cecily and Faun – they all belonged to something she didn’t even begin to understand. They were interested in the same things, laughed together, fancied boys openly, talked about all the boring stuff that they found fascinating and Leveret wasn’t a part of that. She couldn’t care less who said what, the clothes everyone wore, or whose hair was longer or prettier. She had her deep secrets and would rather have died than share these with such fatuous company. Although there was someone special she found attractive, this too was dark, forbidden territory where nobody trespassed. The only person she actually enjoyed being with was her friend Magpie and even he could be hard work at times – besides which, she wasn’t allowed to see him anymore either.
The glimmer of hope that had kept her going was the dream of contacting Mother Heggy at Samhain and of one day being the Wise Woman of Stonewylde. She’d completely messed that up, and then had another terrible fight with her mother after the fiasco at Samhain. Maizie was now adamant that Leveret would never be allowed to become a herbalist, but should instead go to university in the Outside World and become a doctor. Her future seemed as bleak as her present.
Since Samhain she’d felt as if she were walking a tightrope. Her mother was furious with her for disappearing from the Barn without saying where she was going, and had been threatening to talk to Yul. She’d also scolded Leveret for misleading Clip about her brothers. Once again, Sweyn had managed to twist the facts and avoid punishment for the apple-bobbing incident, and Leveret despaired of her mother ever listening to the truth. Rosie had taken her aside and called her selfish and unfeeling for spoiling Samhain for their mother, saying how ashamed she was to have such a nasty little sister. Sweyn and Gefrin had hinted darkly at some horror in store for her which filled her with dread, and she had to constantly manoeuvre herself into situations where she wouldn’t be alone with them. Magpie was upset with her too because she’d vanished at Samhain and not been with him.
Even Clip, whom she now thought of as her wise silver owl, had given her a stern talking to about the dangers of mushrooms and especially Fly Agaric. He’d made her promise never to take anything like that again when she was alone. She was still experiencing after-effects and Clip said that the hallucinations may continue sporadically for some time. She didn’t want to lose his good will too, and was grateful that he’d squared her absence with Maizie and tried to explain about Sweyn’s cruelty. It wasn’t Clip’s fault it fell on deaf ears – how was he to know that Maizie never ever stuck up for her but always took her brothers’ side?
Leveret looked down at the boulders and imagined how she’d actually die if she jumped. The quickest end would be if her head split open and her brains spilled out. The worst would be breaking a limb and being unable to move, to die slowly of exposure, as nobody would think of looking for her up here. Neither option was inviting and she decided that if she were to end her life it would have to be more controlled and less down to chance. She’d make herself a strong concoction – she knew several natural poisons – and ensure there was no doubt about the outcome. Not that she wanted to kill herself – life was difficult, but she wasn’t ready to pass on to the Otherworld yet. Magpie loved her even