Shadow Kiss Page 0,141

I owed it to her. I needed to -

"Stop it!" I yelled, turning away. She'd been using her magic. "Do not use compulsion on me. You're my friend. Friends don't use their powers on each other."

"Friends don't abandon each other," she snapped back. "If you were my friend, you wouldn't do it."

I spun back toward her, careful not to look too closely into her eyes, in case she tried compulsion on me again. The rage in me exploded.

"It's not about you, okay? This time, it's about me. Not you. All my life, Lissa ... all my life, it's been the same. They come first. I've lived my life for you. I've trained to be your shadow, but you know what? I want to come first. I need to take care of myself for once. I'm tired of looking out for everyone else and having to put aside what I want. Dimitri and I did that, and look what happened. He's gone. I will never hold him again. Now I owe it to him to do this. I'm sorry if it hurts you, but it's my choice!"

I'd shouted the words, not even pausing for a breath, and I hoped my voice hadn't carried to the guardians on duty at the gate. Lissa was staring at me, shocked and hurt. Tears ran down her cheeks, and part of me shriveled up at hurting the person I'd sworn to protect.

"You love him more than me," she said in a small voice, sounding very young.

"He needs me right now."

"I need you. He's gone, Rose."

"No," I said. "But he will be soon." I reached up my sleeve and took off the chotki she'd given me for Christmas. I held it out to her. She hesitated and then took it.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"I can't wear it. It's for a Dragomir guardian. I'll take it again when I ..." I had almost said if, not when. I think she knew that. "When I get back."

Her hands closed around the beads. "Please, Rose. Please don't leave me."

"I'm sorry," I said. There were no other words to offer up. "I'm sorry."

I left her there crying as I walked toward the gate. A piece of my soul had died when Dimitri had fallen. Turning my back on her now, I felt another piece die as well. Soon there wouldn't be anything left inside of me.

The guardians at the gate were as shocked as the secretary and Kirova had been, but there was nothing they could do. Happy birthday to me, I thought bitterly. Eighteen at last. It was nothing like I had expected.

They opened the gates and I stepped through, outside of the school's grounds and over the wards. The lines were invisible, but I felt strangely vulnerable and exposed, as if I'd leapt a great chasm. And yet, at the same time, I felt free and in control. I started walking down the narrow road. The sun was nearly gone; I'd have to rely on moonlight soon.

When I was out of earshot of the guardians, I stopped and spoke. "Mason."

I had to wait a long time. When he appeared, I could barely see him at all. He was almost completely transparent.

"It's time, isn't it? You're going...you're finally moving on to..."

Well, I had no clue where he was moving on to. I didn't know anymore what lay beyond, whether it was the realms Father Andrew believed in or some entirely different world that I'd visited. Nonetheless, Mason understood and nodded.

"It's been more than forty days," I mused. "So I guess you're overdue. I'm glad ... I mean, I hope you find peace. Although I kind of hoped you'd be able to lead me to him."

Mason shook his head, and he didn't need to say a word for me to understand what he wanted to tell me. You're on your own now, Rose.

"It's okay. You deserve your rest. Besides, I think I know where to start looking." I'd thought about this constantly over the last week. If Dimitri was where I believed he was, I had a lot of work ahead of me. Mason's help would have been nice, but I didn't want to keep bothering him. It seemed like he had enough to deal with.

"Goodbye," I told him. "Thanks for your help I ... I'll miss you."

His form grew fainter and fainter, and just before it went altogether, I saw the hint of a smile, that laughing and mischievous smile I'd loved so much. For the first time since his death, thinking about Mason no longer devastated me. I was sad and I really would miss him, but I knew he'd moved on to something good - something really good. I no longer felt guilty.

Turning away, I stared at the long road winding off ahead of me. I sighed. This trip might take awhile.

"Then start walking, Rose," I muttered to myself.

I set off, off to kill the man I loved.

As always, I can never express enough gratitude to the friends and family who hang with me through the ups and downs that go along with writing a book - let alone one as powerful as this. Many thanks to David and Christina for their speedy beta reading; to LA. Gordon and Sherry Kirk for their help with Russian; to Synde Korman for her help with Romanian; to my agent Jim McCarthy who is wise and does all the hard stuff for me; to editors Jessica Rothenberg and Ben Schrank for all of their guidance; to the Team Seattle authors for their distraction and good cheer; and to Jay for being infinitely patient...and even making a good joke once in a while.