I wished I had his confidence. But there were only two ways out of this situation. My vagina or a knife. And quite frankly, I didn’t like the thought of either.
I was tempted to ask him where he’d been yesterday and the day before, on account of not seeing him at all. But sounding needy was the last thing I wanted, especially when I didn’t want to need him.
It was an ever-present, maddening ache; loving two men and not being with either of them. Aiden hadn’t called in weeks, and though I’d texted him this morning to wish him a Merry Christmas, he never responded.
As if knowing where my thoughts had veered, Everett’s hands tightened around the wheel.
“How’re things going with Jack?”
“Good,” he clipped, then sighed through his nose. “I’ve got three contracts already lined up, and I started back at the hardware store last week. Just part-time to help until the money comes through.”
That explained a lot. “Congratulations.”
“Yeah, it’s all finally happening.”
The comment had me pausing, and with my eyes widening, I loosened my seat belt and turned to face him. “Wait a second.”
“Waiting,” he said with a twist to his lips, then overtook someone on the highway.
“You never planned to record the album, did you?” My voice was quiet, realization dawning with every word I uttered. “You did it for them.”
“It was their dream, not mine.”
My chest squeezed. “God, did you plan to go to rehab?”
He shook his head, laughing a little. “No. I had hoped I could fix my shit on my own. That I wasn’t an alcoholic but merely a guy with a past he’d rather forget.”
I blinked what seemed a thousand times. “Not showing up, flaking on them… What were you trying to achieve exactly?”
“I wanted Hendrix to take control. To do what he was always meant to—kick me to the curb and take my place.” His laugh was gruff and short. “But he had too much faith in me and love for me, and therefore, hope that I’d come through and do my damn job.”
“Why didn’t you just tell them?”
He thought about that for a minute. “Many reasons. The main one being they’re my friends. My family. No matter what I’ve done, they would’ve remained loyal, and that loyalty might’ve torn them apart. They didn’t need me, but they needed to figure that out on their own.”
“Yet that might not have happened.”
“No,” he agreed, “which fucked with my head. They weren’t supposed to keep waiting on me. They were supposed to take the opportunity presented to them and steal it for themselves. To make sure everything they’d worked so damn hard for would be theirs. I took a gamble, not knowing whether it would pay off, but in the end, it somehow did.”
“You son of a bitch,” I exhaled out. “Music is your life.”
His scowl deepened, pulling at his pillowed lips. “It’s part of who I am, and for the longest time, I’d thought it’d be my ticket out of hell, the thing that’d save me, but it’s not my life, and it didn’t save me.” He swallowed. “I had to do the saving myself.”
The wind seeped into the cracked open windows, whistling and chilling, while all he’d said tried to sink inside my whiplashed heart and brain.
“Clover,” he said, soft and direct. “Music is my passion, but you’re my first and greatest love. Combined, you both help heal and hide all that festers. But it wasn’t enough. The guilt I’ve carried for years wouldn’t let that be enough.”
A haze filmed my eyes, and I shut them to clear it. “I’m so fucking proud of you, and I’m so fucking upset with you.”
Everett’s hand grazed mine on my lap. “That’s okay, and that’s enough heavy.”
I stared out the window to the blurry green and gray that lined the road as he scrolled through the options on the screen, then selected a song.
When that familiar intro began, my eyes drifted closed once more. The temptation to bang my head against the window erupted. Memories of the past collided with the soul-shaking present.
Yet as Everett kept singing “Start Me Up” by The Rolling Stones, it became harder and harder to linger in the gloom. And it only worsened when he kept hitting restart until I finally caved, laughing while I gave him what he wanted, and joined in.
It was midafternoon by the time we reached my parents, and Everett rounded the car, insisting