Secrets Worth Keeping (Finding my Home #2)- Nikita Parmenter Page 0,148

a point. How do I really know whether he’s ok?

I don’t and it hurts like hell.

Leaving him hurts like hell.

That fucking nightmare hurts like hell.

The anger that had started to ebb away, blazes into an inferno again. In typical Ever fashion I don’t react to feeling so hurt and powerless in the normal way. My anger builds steadily until I’m so beyond angry that I can barely think straight. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. I’m angry that Atlas is in danger, that he won’t let us help. I’m angry at myself for falling in love with him and I am fucking devastated that we don’t know when or even if we’re going to see him again.

With that thought spinning in my head I slowly get up, being careful not to wake Trick as I check the time on my phone, it’s still early enough that everyone will still be asleep.

Good, I don’t want to talk to anyone right now, I’d end up saying something I regret and I don’t want to try and make up excuses about why I’m up so early and where I’m going. I just want to leave with as little to no human interaction as possible. That dream has gutted me and it would be a tossup right now whether I’d crumple in on myself sobbing at the first sign of sympathy or one of my guys or lash out in hurt and anger and I don’t want to risk it being either one if I’m honest.

My movements are choppy and stiff as I use the light on my phone to sort through the boxes in my closet yanking out a pair of workout leggings, a sports bra and a tank top. I put my phone down as I yank the clothes on roughly, my anger only building with the movements. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this fucking angry and there’s only one place I can think of going to work through it. I slowly tiptoe across my room grateful that I got some lightweight workout trainers in my online shopping trip with Jenny and Kat just before Christmas.

Trick stirs slightly as I open the door but the drive home yesterday really did take it out of him and he falls back to sleep quickly. I close the door and it takes real effort not let my anger show and stomp down the fucking stairs but that would wake everyone up and I don’t want anyone stopping me right now and trying to reason with me. I stop by the pile of bags at the bottom of the stairs that me and Trick forgot to take up last night and rummage through mine until I pull out the workout arm band and iPod that the boys got me. I grab my headphones grateful that Cash set them up so I don’t have to figure it now. I find a heavy rock album by one of my favourite artists and turn it up as loud as it will go.

My anger is begging to be released, Atlas’s dead eyes playing on repeat in my minds eye still. I grab my bike key’s off of the side table by the door, I don’t remember when I stopped keeping them on me at all times. Just before I open the front door my common sense pings and I snatch up my helmet yanking it on. As I leave the house I shut the door a little too loudly behind me but I’m beyond caring right now. I barely feel the rain as it pelts me, instantly soaking me through.

I jump on my bike and pull away from Trick’s house, my mind in a fog. I know what I can get like when I’m this angry. I know I shouldn’t be around anyone I care about because I’m angry enough to explode. I don’t want to say something I don’t mean and hurt someone I love. The best thing for me to do right now is to fight the anger out and back in Fresno that would’ve been damn easy to do but I don’t want to be stupid about it here, actually caring about my own wellbeing for a change, even though I’m still boiling mad. The only place that I know around here that would be safe enough for me to get some of this anger out, even if it is just on a punching bag, is the place where I