Secrets in the Snow - Emma Heatherington Page 0,65
clearly. It’s made it hit home just how much I’ve been living a lie.’
He exhales long and slowly, as if he is releasing so much tension through his confession. Of course I’d already guessed that his marriage to Rachel was struggling, as he’s spent so long here in Ballybray avoiding the very subject at almost all costs, but to hear of his reasons has stunned me a little.
‘Good for you to recognize that and do what’s right for you,’ I tell him, knowing exactly what he’s been through in his own heart and mind. A seagull lands at my feet and waddles along picking up invisible scraps from the ground before flying away to pastures new. ‘And how does Rachel feel about it all? Does she know why you’re doing this?’
I can only imagine how frightened, yet heartbroken at the same time, Aidan must feel having told her.
He laughs nervously.
‘For me, it’s like a tonne of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders after carrying around the weight for far too long,’ he says, clasping his hands together and stretching out in front of him to release some of his pent-up tension. ‘And I know she is glad it’s over too, as the whole set-up was becoming toxic for us both. I should have moved away about twelve months ago to give us both some space, but I was too tied up in work and too tangled up in my own head to think straight.’
‘I understand.’
‘Mabel’s death gave me a reason to come home, and as much as I thought I’d want to race right back there after the funeral, within a few days it was the opposite,’ he admits. ‘Coming here made me wake up to the fact that Rachel and I were never in love like a couple should be. It’s helped me make the changes I should have made a long time ago.’
We both take a moment to reflect on our own pasts, each on the same wavelength at how devastating a marriage break-up can be on so many levels, and I contemplate and recall just how difficult making that move – whatever the reasons – can be.
My interpretation of what was for the best in my marriage was really what was for the worst, and acknowledging as much is a bitter pill to swallow. I should have left Jude long before he died, but I didn’t. It pains me so much to admit that.
‘And what do you think a couple who are really in love should be like?’ I ask him, my mind still a little bit stuck in the past. ‘Is there a magic recipe, because if there is I’d love to know it?’
I laugh as I say this, knowing that no one really has the answer, except perhaps their own version of what true love is.
‘Ah, that’s the million-dollar question, Roisin,’ Aidan replies, laughing a little now too.
‘It really is, isn’t it?’
We both hold each other’s gaze, breathing in synchronized harmony as a veil of tension hangs in the air between us.
‘The other person should be someone who grounds you,’ he says eventually, his eyes hypnotizing me now like never before, as if he’s cleared a fog between us and is ready to show his true colours at last. ‘He or she should be someone who soothes you, someone who you want to run to for comfort and who you can comfort in return, and they should be someone who you think about first thing in the morning and last thing at night in the best way. Someone you want to share your best and worst moments with.’
He stops.
‘I’m afraid that’s the best I can do in my attempt at a million-dollar answer,’ he whispers, and I feel like the world has stopped spinning around us.
His arm brushes against mine and the touch of his skin sends a tingle right through me that I try to ignore.
Someone like you, I almost hear him say, and a wave of panic washes over me once more.
‘That was … that was a pretty good effort,’ I say, my voice croaking as the familiarity of all he just said sinks in to my mind.
I can’t deny how comforted I’ve felt by Aidan’s presence today. Being in his company alone like this has soothed me. He has made me feel at ease, and I feel we’re growing closer every time we talk to each other with honesty and trust, almost as if we’re exposed now to the truth.