glass crashed to the table, and he doubled over in a coughing fit. I winced at the terrible sound. I probably should’ve waited until he wasn’t drinking to drop the bombshell on him, but I was impatient with pretending this was just a regular dinner at our favorite restaurant.
This had been on my mind since spending the day with August three days ago. I had to find out if August was the only one who made me want to strip him naked, or if my interest in the same sex extended well beyond him. Not just an awareness of the same sex but having an attraction so strong that I actually wanted to do something about it.
I could’ve gone to a gay bar by myself, but I wasn’t that comfortable with the idea. Hence, Winston and his coughing fit. Of my two close friends, he was the one who I thought would understand and help me out. Although he was straight, he was more open-minded than Paul.
“A gay bar?” Winston croaked, sucking in a deep breath. “What for?”
“What do you think?”
He shrugged, his face bewildered. “I don’t know. Is Declan back in town already from his honeymoon?”
“No, he’s still in Greece.”
“Then help me out here, Charles. Why on earth would you want to go to a gay club?”
He was going to make me spit it out. Maybe I should’ve called Paul to accompany me tonight instead. He would’ve known exactly what I meant, but despite being forty-eight, Winston could be so clueless.
One would think after the years of debauchery Paul and I had dragged him into that his eyes would have been opened by now, but with his blond hair and blue-eyed poster-boy look, women flocked to him for that innocent air. They thought they could corrupt him.
“I’m going to tell you something I haven’t even shared with Paul yet,” I said.
He tugged at his tie, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Okay.”
“I’m not so sure I’m straight anymore.”
He swallowed hard, and although he still looked confused, he nodded, reached for his water, and took a gulp. “Why’d you say that?”
I leaned in closer. This was the tricky part. “Remember my roommate back in third year of college?”
“Um, not really.”
“We used to try out things on each other.” I picked up my glass, then set it down again. “Just small stuff.” Were blow jobs and hand jobs small stuff when it came to gay sex? It was the small stuff for me with straight sex.
“Like what?”
“Like playing bricks.” I glared at him. “What do you mean, like what?”
His face turned red, and he chuckled. “Sorry. Dumb question. Are you saying you’ve been secretly having sex with men all these years?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t get it. What’s the problem?”
“The problem is that I want to know.”
“You want to know if you’re gay?”
“Pretty sure I’d be more bisexual than gay, but whatever. Yeah, I want to know what it feels like kissing another man.”
He grabbed his glass of water again, but I snatched it from his hand. “Don’t freak out on me about this,” I begged him.
As much as I rationalized this, it was scary going into something like this alone. Well, I wouldn’t be alone, but still, discovering this side of me was my experience alone. I could use the support. I’d tried talking to Declan about it before, when I’d first processed my attraction to August, but he might ask questions I wasn’t ready to answer.
“I’m not freaking out.”
He tried to smile, but it looked pained. “Your face says otherwise.”
He dropped the smile. “Sorry, I’m just blown away. Charles, you’re probably the man in Cincinnati who holds the record for sleeping with the most women.”
“There’s a guy.”
“A guy?”
“Yes.” I tapped my fingers against the table, trying to contain the way my adrenaline spiked at the thought of August. “I’m attracted to him. Really attracted to him.”
“So why not see what things are like with that guy? You don’t have to go to a gay club.”
How I wish.
“I can’t. He’s off-limits.”
“Why?”
“I can’t say. Just know that he’s off-limits. So are we going or not?”
“Damn, Charles, a man could do with a little warning before you spring this on him.”
“Don’t be a pussy.”
Winston glared at me. “You’re getting too old to say shit like that,” he snapped. “Grow up already, will you?”
“Will you go? Yes or no? Or if you want, I could kiss you and see how that makes me feel.”