The Secret of You and Me - Melissa Lenhardt Page 0,34
undermined me and our relationship when I wasn’t around. Charlie wasn’t happy unless he was the superstar of every situation, and there was an openness to him that drew people in, made them trust him. I, on the other hand, had been hiding the most significant part of myself for so long I didn’t know how to open up, even to my daughter. Did she sense me holding back a part of myself? If I was honest would it repair our broken relationship, or ruin it forever?
“There was plenty of blame to go around.” I gripped Logan’s hand tighter and looked her straight in the eyes. “I will tell you what happened, every sordid detail, but not right now. I have to make it right with Nora first. And it’s not just my story to tell. It’s Nora’s, too. I need to ask her permission.”
“And Dad’s?”
“Your father had nothing to do with our falling out. I need you to promise me something.”
“What?”
“Don’t tell him about this conversation.”
“Why?”
“He didn’t want to tell you.”
“Why?”
“He doesn’t want you to think less of him.”
“He said that?”
“No, but I know your father well enough. He wants you to think he’s perfect.”
Logan rolled her eyes. “It’s just sex.”
“Don’t let him hear you say that. He’s already threatening to make you visit Oral Roberts.”
“Mom!”
“Don’t worry. I won’t let that happen.”
Logan plopped back onto her bed with relief.
“Since you brought it up,” I said. “How long have you and Joaquin been having sex?”
“Mom! We’re not...”
“Logan.” She wouldn’t look at me. “Hey,” I said, playfully shaking her until she did. “I don’t care.”
“You don’t care?”
Her eyebrows almost touched, and I couldn’t blame her for her astonishment. I’d darkened the church door three times a week her entire life, had taught every Sunday school class she’d been in, and had been a devout evangelical for years. A year ago, I’d joined AA and found more acceptance, peace and community among a room of strangers than I ever had at Lynchfield Baptist. I’d used meetings as an excuse to miss Sunday and Wednesday nights, and had gotten out of teaching Sunday school by claiming it was time for the teens to hear a fresh perspective. I still sang in the choir but spent most of the time daydreaming about drinking or running away. Then I would see Logan sitting with her friends and know I would never leave. I was rooted in Lynchfield, maybe forever.
“It would be pretty hypocritical of me to tell you not to have sex, wouldn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you using protection?”
“Yes, Mom. We’re using protection.”
A tidal wave of questions flooded my mind: How long have you been having sex? How often? Where? He is considerate of you or only in it for himself? Do you enjoy it? Do you love him? Does he love you?
I asked none of them. Those were questions for later, once we’d both gotten used to the idea of sharing Logan’s secret. Once I got the courage to tell Logan mine.
“Condoms can break. I’m going to make an appointment for you so we can get you on long-term birth control.”
“Don’t want me to make the same mistake you did?”
I grasped Logan’s face and looked into her eyes. “Of all the mistakes I’ve made, you’re not one of them.”
Logan twisted out of my grasp and looked away. I stared at the poster of Serena Williams on Logan’s wall and remembered the hours I spent lying on my bed, staring at my poster of New York City, dreaming of leaving Lynchfield. Logan dreamed of leaving, too. It was my job to make sure she did it.
I stood. “I’ll find a doctor in Austin since you’ll be going to UT.”
“You won’t tell Dad, will you?”
I started to ask, About the sex or birth control? but knew the question was for both. Charlie would cause a big scene, act like the world was ending. He would conveniently forget about our summer of daily hookups, about how I had been someone’s daughter, too. But, I remembered what it was like to be young and in love, the urge to be with someone every waking minute, the torture when you were apart, the ecstasy of finally coming together, the longing to absorb the person into your very being, the disappointment when you couldn’t. I wanted Logan to have that without the underlying fear of being found out, so when the time came for her to decide her future, she decided for herself, not to please those she’d disappointed. Not out of