Secret Admirer - D.J. Jamison Page 0,24

arguing my case, anything to distract me from the desire to climb Ace like a tree. Damn. There was a crush, and then there was the desire to crush Ace beneath my body. My hormones were out of control.

“It’s too big of a coincidence. This quote about seeing my art came with it. I mean, he’s practically begging me to figure out it’s him.”

“That’s awesome,” Dre piped up, reminding me he was in the room. “Tell him we want more candy.”

I rolled my eyes. “He’s a secret admirer, not a Pez dispenser.”

“Benji, I don’t want to rain on your parade…” Ace started.

“So don’t.”

He chewed his lip, drawing my eyes. Fuck. He had perfect lips, firm and sculpted, but just plump enough to lick and nibble. You know, if you were going to do that sort of thing. Which I wasn’t.

“Okay, man. I should get going.”

My heart lurched with regret. What was I doing, being rude to nicest guy in the world? I was still amped up on adrenaline and embarrassment, but I owed Ace. Not just for the tutoring in algebra and dating, but for all the times he’d been there with a smile or a text or an offer of ice cream when I most needed it. Without him, I truly would have been alone this year.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be an asshole. If you have something to say…”

Ace shook his head. “Just be careful,” he said after a pause. “Jonas gets around.”

I frowned. “Well, he’s gone to a lot of trouble with these gifts and notes. That’s not the work of a player.”

“No, it’s not.”

I could read between the lines. Ace didn’t think it was Jonas. But I needed to be right about this. I couldn’t continue to obsess about Ace, drawing pictures, fantasizing, trying to kiss him. It was either make a move with Jonas or start avoiding Ace.

I laughed at myself, shaking my head. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. TMI, right? I’m sorry.”

“I’m glad you did,” Ace said. “We’re friends.”

Friends. Just a few days ago, I’d been happy to believe myself his friend. But now, after that pretend date that felt all kinds of real? It felt more like an awful, soul-destroying label for rejection.

“Right.” I forced the words past the lump rising in my throat. I knew Ace wasn’t for me, I knew, and yet a tiny part of me had still hoped. “And with Jeremy gone, you’re like my surrogate big brother.”

We smiled at one another awkwardly, and I knew: There was no saving this friendship. Because it had never been one. Just a lonely gay boy crushing on his brother’s best friend.

I was officially pathetic.

Ace

My phone buzzed, and my heart lurched. Benji had been dodging me since the stupid, stupid move I’d made. All this time, I thought getting discovered as the secret admirer would ruin everything. But no, I’d managed that all on my own.

Today was Tuesday, though, the day of the week we usually met up to study at the library. So, surely he wouldn’t…

Yep. He totally blew me off. I ground my teeth as I read the text, furious with myself. If Benji’s grade suffered because I was an idiot…

Sorry, can’t make it this week.

I stared at the words. Why did breathing suddenly feel like such a chore? I sucked in oxygen, struggling to fill my heavy lungs as I responded.

We can reschedule. Studying is important.

Studying is important. Wow. I sounded like his dad, instead of his… What the fuck was I again? I didn’t even know anymore. Secret admirer was the best label I had. I wasn’t his friend, not really. Not until I could box up and lock down these fucking feelings I had. Feelings that had me wanting to track him down, confess everything, and pin him to a wall.

I couldn’t do that. Benji’s reaction to the last kiss attempt was less than favorable. I’d never had someone leap out of my arms so fast. I’d never made a move on someone who wasn’t receptive. It was an uncomfortable feeling. Guilt and shame and unfulfilled desire swirled inside me.

I wanted him, but I didn’t want to want him because he didn’t want me.

Benji texted a reply: Next week, okay? I’ll be fine.

Next week. Ugh. A week spent feeling like this, unsettled and unsure if we could recapture our easy rapport, felt like torture. But it was better than never.

Unless he blows you off again next week, and the next, and the next,