Secret Admirer - D.J. Jamison Page 0,18

inevitable force. I wanted to stop resisting. Hell, I wanted to charge across campus to his room and satisfy my curiosity.

I couldn’t do that. Benji wasn’t just some guy. I was supposed to look out for him, befriend him, not lust after him.

I never should have given him that first gift, but I’d wanted to see him smile. He’d seemed so hurt by the guy who jerked him around. Not just the surface kind of hurt anyone would feel at being stood up, but something that ran deeper. As if he wasn’t entirely surprised, or as if … he should have expected it? I wasn’t entirely certain of what he was feeling, just that I couldn’t stand by and do nothing.

Now look where it’d gotten me. Hiding out in my room during a party, wishing he were here. My ego still smarted a little that he hadn’t accepted my invitation, but I wasn’t that surprised. Benji never went out much. He spent a lot of time on his artwork, I knew, and Jeremy had complained that Benji spent all his free time the summer before watching those anime stories he loved. Boy-love.

He’s a romantic. That’s why he loves the secret admirer gifts.

As the sex picked up next door, I got out of bed and bounded down the stairs. The party was raging. Usually, I helped out by being one of the designated sober schmucks, as we called it, running interference and making sure the party remained under control and we didn’t risk the freedom the college gave us. A lot of schools had cracked down so hard on Greek life that parties were an impossibility, but we did our best to ensure we gave them no reason for that. Our parties had a size limit, we kept it to beer only, and we served the drinks ourselves so that we could cut off anyone who looked too far gone. It wasn’t a perfect system, but we made an effort.

And I paid my frat dues but didn’t chip in much for any added expenses like the other guys did, so I usually volunteered for the shit jobs like designated sober schmuck, but tonight I’d been in no mood. I’d kind of grown out of the party-animal phase, my gaze firmly fixed on graduation, and—lately—a pretty boy named Benji McKenzie.

But this crap with Benji had to stop.

After making a stop to guzzle down a beer and refill my cup, I headed into the hot press of bodies. Music blared from the stereo, but it was quieter than the drunken chatter filling the room. Drinking games were underway in one corner. On the couch, two couples made out side by side. But the center of the room was filled with people grinding to the music.

“Ace! Where have you been?”

Monique looked up at me with a smile. I’d always liked her. She was crazy smart, pretty, with large eyes, luscious lips, and a curvy body. Last spring, we’d flirted at a few parties but never sealed the deal.

“I’ve been around,” I said. “Haven’t seen you much this year.”

“My course load is crazy,” she yelled to be heard over the noise. “Want to dance?”

I chugged the rest of my beer and tossed it aside. “Let’s do it.”

We fell into a rhythm easily enough, and it was fun, having a warm body pressed up against mine. Every time I felt myself relaxing, I’d suddenly wonder what Benji was doing. Was he alone, doing homework on a Saturday night? Watching one of those boy-love animes and wishing he had a guy to call his own? Could I be that guy, even if I wasn’t his brother’s best friend? Without obstacles or other people’s expectations, I was starting to think that maybe I could.

Monique pulled my head down, kissing me. Had she kissed me last year, all systems would have been go. But everything had changed with me. I was still trying to make sense of it all, but I knew, even as I kissed her back, that it felt wrong.

I’d come downstairs for this reason. To find a pretty girl, to drown in her warmth, to push Benji out of my mind.

But he just wouldn’t go.

I pulled away before the kiss got too intense. “Sorry, I can’t do this.” Scrubbing a hand through my hair, I backed away. “I should go.”

“Go?” she echoed. “Where—”

“Sorry!” I repeated, pushing through the crowd toward the door. I made my way outside, breathing deep of the fresh air, before breaking into