The Second Virginity of Suzy Green - By Sara Hantz Page 0,35
me any more. I mean I am me, clearly, but not the same me you knew before if you get what I mean. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You see things have changed and—” I stop and draw in a breath before I pass out as I’m feeling all light-headed.
“Stop.” Ryan holds up his hand. “Slow down. I didn’t get any of that apart from you’re not you but you are or something.”
“Sorry. Let’s sit down.” I gesture to the sofa and we both drop down onto it. Not too close though. It’s a large sofa, you can easily get four people on it, and we both sit right into our respective corners. Calmness engulfs me. It will be fine. I just know it.
“Tell me again,” Ryan says.
“I’m not the girl you knew before. Things have happened and I’ve changed.”
“What things?”
“Just things.” I pause for a moment while thoughts of Rosie and our past life flash through my mind.
Though it seems more like a dream than anything else, so much has happened since. More than any person my age should have to go through. I have the strongest urge to tell Ryan about Rosie, which is weird when you think I avoid mentioning it at all costs to everyone else. But if it’s going to help him understand what I’m doing then it’s the right thing to do. Anyway, if he’s anything like the Ryan he was before he’ll understand.
“My sister had an accident, and she died,” I hitch in a breath. Tears fill my eyes and one drops onto my lap. Ryan slides along the sofa, until he’s next to me, and rests his hand on top of mine, but I quickly pull it away on the pretence of wiping my eyes. His touch sent a shock right through me, even though I’m upset. It’s all way too confusing.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, obvious concern in his voice. “I remember how much she meant to you. You used to talk about her all the time. She was called Rosie wasn’t she?” I nod. “If it helps to talk about it I’m a good listener.” Oh no. It’s the understanding voice.
“Thanks.” I sniff, giving a resigned smile through my tears. “But talking won’t bring her back. Won’t change what I did.” Shit. Where did that come from?
“What did you do?” His eyebrows draw together in a frown.
If I tell him and he hates me for it I don’t know what I’ll do. But if I don’t tell him he won’t understand how important it is for me to keep up my charade at school. To quote one of Mom’s favorite sayings: I’m between a rock and a hard place.
What would Rosie have done? That’s a no brainer. She’d have told him everything. She always said it was best to be upfront with people. Okay. I’m not at Rosie’s level yet, so I’ll tell him only what’s necessary. He doesn’t need to know everything.
“When Rosie died it was like my world came to an end. You see it was my fault. I—” My voice cracks, taking me by surprise. I lean forward and rest my head on my knees.
“You said it was an accident,” Ryan says. “How can an accident be your fault?”
I turn my head to the side so I can see him.
“It was my present,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “The helicopter she died in. That exploded with her onboard. I gave Rosie the ride as a present for her birthday.”
“Suzy,” Ryan says putting his arm across my shoulders. “You can’t blame yourself for that. These things happen. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Try telling Mom that. When I told her about the present she asked me not to give it to Rosie because it was too dangerous. But I didn’t listen. Mom’s scared of flying, so of course she’d be worried.” I sit up, his arm still around me and lean into him. We fit so well together. Crap, did I just think that? I pull away. “And Rosie was so thrilled when I gave her the present. I knew I’d made the right decision. Knew I’d given her something she’d remember for the rest of her life. What life?”
“Suzy, stop. You can’t blame yourself.”
“Why not? Everyone else does.” I bite so hard on my bottom lip I taste blood.
“They told you that, did they?”
“Didn’t have to. It was written all over their faces. You don’t know. You weren’t there.”
This is crazy. Wallowing