would be running for the hills, arms flailing like a maniac. But Noah sat next to me, helping me eat my chocolate.
My heart warmed, and I didn’t recognize what I was feeling. There were too many things racing around in my body for me to figure out what it was.
He asked, “Do you want to stay and hang out? We could watch a movie that doesn’t have me in it.”
My anxiety attacks were exhausting on so many different levels. I was going to crash soon. “Maybe another night. These things wear me out.”
“Understandable. How about tomorrow night?”
“Yes. Let’s try this again tomorrow.”
I sat on the floor and finished my candy bar, with him sitting right next to me. Supporting me, being close.
After I was done eating, he said, “You’re really brave, do you know that?”
“It doesn’t feel like bravery. You shot at people and got blown up.”
“I only ever shot at targets,” he corrected me. “And I think you doing something that terrifies you is very brave.”
“I feel more like an idiot than a hero.” I shoved the candy bar wrapper into my pocket.
“You’re not. That was amazing.”
“Okay. Now you’re just saying stuff to make me feel better.” I put my hand on the wall, intending to get up, and he immediately stood, offering me both of his hands.
When I got to my feet, I swayed toward him, my head still a little woozy. We stayed there, close together, while I regained my bearings.
“I’m okay,” I told him, letting go of his hands. I was going to take a step back but realized that I was good where I was, standing so close to him. Now that I’d done it, kissed him, and knew that I was going to do it again, some of that fear had been mitigated. Maybe some of that also had to do with his kindness and respect, but I welcomed not feeling so terrified.
“I should get going,” I told him.
I saw his Adam’s apple bob, and he nodded. “Yes. Do you want me to take you home?”
“You’re not planning on calling a car, are you? I’m just over at Gladys’s house.”
“No, I meant, do you need help? Do you want me to carry you?”
If another man had said this to me, I probably would have laughed, because I would have imagined that particular feat to be impossible. But with Noah? I totally believed that he could pick me up like I was some dainty feather and carry me all the way back without even breaking a sweat.
I got hit with another new feeling I didn’t quite recognize. Something that appreciated his masculinity and strength and how him having those things made me feel more feminine. Which wasn’t a feeling I had experienced before.
I liked it.
“I’m okay to walk. I’ve been fortified by a Snickers bar, remember?” I wanted to say something else, something to let him know what tonight had meant to me, but I couldn’t find the words. So I settled on, “I’m sorry about all that. My reaction. But I did warn you.”
He held up both hands as if he meant to put them on my shoulders, but he let them drop back to his sides. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. I feel like I’m the one who should be apologizing to you, for you having to go through that.”
“This is so not your fault.” Well, a licensed professional might think it was a little bit his fault, since it was his face on the pillow that had started all of this. “I wanted to do this. I want to keep doing this. If you’re okay with it.”
“I told you, I’m all in. That hasn’t changed.”
“Not for me, either.”
“Then it’s decided,” he said with a nod. “Let me walk you out.”
“No, I know the way. You stay here.” I told Magnus good night and gave Noah a dumb little wave and left. When I got outside, I thought about the enormity of what I’d done. I’d intentionally kissed someone. I’d intentionally kissed Noah Douglas. And that anxiety attack, where I’d really kissed someone and hadn’t just come close to doing it, had felt less intense than the others. Whether that was because of the method Noah had me use or just how he’d supported me through it, I didn’t know. All I did know was that it had been better.
He’d been right—I had accomplished something important, and I deserved a little celebration. So I jumped up and threw my fists in