kissing and getting through it can help you overcome it.”
I wanted that to be true so badly. I couldn’t picture myself going to a professional’s office and doing therapy. Not only because I couldn’t afford it, but it was so hard telling Noah the truth that I didn’t want to have to do it all over again. I realized that there was a possibility this wouldn’t work, but I was still hopeful that it would.
If things got worse instead of better, maybe I’d have to consider seeing a therapist. I hoped it didn’t come to that.
Noah was still talking, and I made myself pay attention. “One therapist called it sexual stage fright, and I know stage fright. You want to throw up and run away, but then you have to go out there and perform. And it gets a bit easier each night. You just start off small and then build up from there.”
There was a pounding in my head that was so loud it made it difficult to hear him. My lungs were starting to constrict as my body got itself ready to jump immediately into fight or flight. “That makes sense.”
“And I want to make some promises to you. I am not going to make fun of your kissing or tease you about how you do it, and I’ll never judge you. I won’t do anything that you haven’t asked me to do. You’re the director here—what you say goes. Nothing will happen unless you want it to, okay? So I’m promising that I’m never going to get caught up and forget myself.”
“Even if you really want to?”
“Even if I really, really want to,” he said, and there was a note in his voice that made my stomach feel like it was going to float away. “I promise that you’ll always be a hundred percent safe with me.”
“Thank you.” It seemed like such an inadequate thing to say, but his promises meant a lot to me. They didn’t stop my shins from sweating, though.
“I was also thinking that you should probably kiss me first. That way you’re totally in control.”
“But I don’t know what to do.” Didn’t he get that’s why all of this was happening?
“It will be fine. Don’t use your teeth. Ramming your teeth into someone is not sexy.”
Ha. Lies. His teeth were extremely sexy.
He was still talking, and I tried to concentrate. “And maybe no weird licking in the beginning.”
“What’s weird licking?” I asked, alarmed. “What if I do it by accident?”
“I’ll let you know if it happens. Just know that when you’re kissing someone you want to kiss, it can feel a lot like the sensations you’ve described from your attacks. Your heart beats fast, you’re out of breath, you feel light-headed, only you shouldn’t feel like you’re going to die. Those feelings should be happening in a pleasurable way instead of a frightening one. Which is why people keep doing it. I hope there comes a point that you fall on that side of the scale.”
“Me too.”
“Look. I want to show you something. Is it okay if I take your hand for a second?”
“Yes.”
He wrapped his long fingers around my wrist and pulled my hand to his chest, placing it over his heart. It was beating fast. “You’re not the only one affected.”
And we stayed in that moment, his chest feeling strong and sure, his heart pounding beneath my palm.
“Do you want to kiss me?” It wasn’t something I had asked him before. He’d volunteered to help me out, but I didn’t know if he was just being a nice guy or if he was actually into it.
His words were low, and I could feel them rumbling inside his chest. “Very much so. And you?”
“I want to want it, but it’s all sort of abject terror right now.”
“You’ll do it, and we’ll keep doing it. It’s why actors rehearse. We practice it over and over again until it feels natural. Okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“Rome wasn’t built in a day. We got this.”
“If you tell me ‘Go, team,’ I’m going to punch you,” I informed him.
“If I said that, I’d deserve it.” He shifted a little closer, but I kept my hand on his chest. I liked it there, liked the feeling of his strength and warmth. “So, come on. Let’s go, team!”
That made me laugh, and I realized that had been his intent all along. It did help me to relax slightly.
And then there was no more delaying. If I was going to do