And overreacting the way that I have, it’s made me avoid romance and men altogether. I would like things to be different.” I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.
Noah nodded, his expression serious. I liked how calmly he seemed to be taking this in, how matter-of-factly he was processing it and looking for a solution. Which I supposed was a very male thing to do, but I appreciated the approach.
“Then I think I could help you.”
“And how are you going to do that?” I asked. Run me through meditation exercises? Find me the world’s leading expert on . . . whatever the name was for my kissing phobia that I couldn’t remember? Knowing the kind of guy he was, he’d probably insist on paying for my sessions and I’d have to tell him no and then we’d argue and—
He interrupted my train of thought and said, “Let me help you get over your fear. You could kiss me.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I don’t know why that was the last thing I expected him to say, given how our conversation had been going, but it was. A bolt of fear spiked inside me. “Oh.” I was going to ask him if he was serious, but I could see from his face that he was.
He said, “We’re friends, and I want to help you. Not to mention that I’m probably the best guy you could pick for a project like this. I have kissed a lot—and I mean a lot—of women. Both personally and professionally.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t sound quite so proud of that,” I said.
“I’m just giving you my CV so that you understand why I’m the best candidate for this job. I’m perfect for it—I can be whoever you want me to be. I could even go put the Malec costume back on.”
“Oh. No. Don’t do that.” It would be too weird. Right? But maybe it would work? Could I picture myself kissing Malec?
Little bit, yes. I could.
But I couldn’t ask him to do that. Or maybe I could. Or it would be a step too far. Maybe it would stress me out even worse, because I would know he wasn’t actually Malec, so it would be weird if he was pretending like he was.
On the other hand, I had really, really liked him in that costume.
“Have you worked it out in your head yet?” he asked in a teasing tone, and I immediately flushed in response.
“No. I wouldn’t want you to do that. If I said yes, I would want it to be just you.” Because Noah was the one I knew and trusted.
He was the one that would take care of me and wouldn’t let anything bad happen.
“Good.” He made it sound like that had been the right answer. “And in a way, you’d be doing me a favor, too. If I took this part, it would help me to have actual, personal knowledge about the material. Because so far my experience has been the opposite.”
“Can’t keep the women off you, huh?” I’d bet he’d never met another woman who didn’t want to kiss him.
“Occupational hazard,” he told me. He didn’t sound like he was complaining.
“I don’t know,” I told him. I was so worried it wasn’t going to work out, and then on top of everything else, I also would have wrecked my friendship with Noah, and I would probably get Shelby fired, too.
“I can’t believe I’m trying to convince you to kiss me,” he said.
“It does seem a little far-fetched,” I agreed.
“What are you worried about?”
Why did it feel like he could read my mind? There were so many things I was worried about. How badly this could all go. What his reaction would be when I inevitably freaked out. How if we started kissing, then it was entirely possible we might develop feelings for each other.
And I didn’t want that right now. “If I said yes to doing this, there would have to be some boundaries. Because the truth is, I don’t want the pressure of romantic feelings or emotions being in the way. It would be hard enough trying to fix my dysfunction without also worrying about relationship issues and problems on top of it. I think it would be too much.”
He looked confused. “You’re not interested in dating me? Why?”
I remembered my conversation with Zoe Covington. How hard things could be, how much they struggled to keep their personal lives private. The fans who didn’t understand the difference between reality and fantasy.