You move on, and hopefully every day it will hurt a little less.”
She never said I told you so, but maybe she should have. Because she’d been right about everything. Again. And I’d lost the person I loved most in the whole world.
My mother kept calling to apologize and see if I was okay. But she wasn’t to blame and it was exhausting pretending I felt better than I actually did. I found myself dodging some of her calls.
One night Shelby stopped by to check on me. It might have been two weeks later. Maybe three. Time had sort of lost all meaning. She let herself in because she still had her key.
“How are you doing?” she asked.
And I knew why she looked so concerned. Despite her counsel to take care of myself, I had fallen into a deep funk that included not leaving my house and forgetting about personal hygiene. I was also wearing the hoodie that Noah had lent to me and I’d never returned. It had never been washed. “Today I wanted to find out how many Snickers bars I had to eat to stop feeling sad. So far it’s not ten.”
“Sweetie, what can I do?”
Tell me about Noah, I wanted to say but didn’t. Whenever we talked or she visited, I was starved for information about him. But she wouldn’t talk about him. Even when I specifically asked, she would change the subject. I was torn between understanding why she was doing it, wanting to keep out of it because she had her own relationship with Noah, and feeling hurt that she wouldn’t give me every morsel and detail she knew because I was her best friend.
Not that I couldn’t get morsels and details of my own. It was really hard to break up with someone when there were millions of images of him online. When with a click of a button I could hear his voice whenever I wanted. See his beautiful face. Watch him gazing adoringly at Aliana the same way he used to look at me.
I’d been so stupid.
But I was tired of remembering how dumb I was. So instead I answered her question by saying, “I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Other than the Snickers bars today, I haven’t really been eating or sleeping. And those are my two best events. I was also considering giving myself bangs.”
“That kind of talk stops here,” she told me. “I am not going to let you cut your own hair while you’re sad. Just like I wouldn’t let you go to the grocery store if you were hungry. Mistakes will be made and regrets will be had. Speaking of food, do you want me to make you something to eat?”
I hugged my pillow tighter. “I don’t want you to cook for me.” Noah cooked for me and it just felt like too much. “Why did you let me date him? I feel like part of this is on you.”
“It is all my fault,” she agreed, trying to take the burden from me, only it didn’t help. It just made me feel guiltier, because of course, she’d played no part in my downfall. She’d actively encouraged me to try to prevent it. But wouldn’t it have hurt just as much then as it did now?
“No, you were right. I should have told him. But either way, he would have left. Just like my dad.”
“I feel like that’s a whole other thing that I’m not qualified to get into with you, but maybe that’s another reason you kept your secret. Because you were convinced that no matter what you did, in the end, Noah would leave. And this way you got to justify your belief by causing it.”
Whoa, that was way too deep for somebody who had just eaten ten candy bars. Maybe what she said had merit. I’d have to think about it. When my brain wasn’t so sad.
She went into the kitchen. “You have to eat. Actual food.” She checked my empty fridge. “Okay, I’m ordering delivery. You’re having Chinese.”
“Snickers is actual food. It has peanuts. That’s protein.”
“I’m serious, Juliet. I’m going to tough love you here. You’re going to eat, and tomorrow you’re going to wake up and go clean some dogs and find new clients. Maybe even take up a hobby or something.”
“I was considering alcoholism, but I can’t afford it.”
“Which is why you have to start working again and stop delaying your appointments.” I never should have told