“Of course you do. You and I were in the trenches of hell together when Tory died.”
“No kidding.”
“We were both pretty fucked up. Char saved me from my self-imposed penance for not being sober the night Tory called.”
“I’d give anything not to have dragged you to that party.”
“Don’t say that, man. We’ve both drowned in guilt over something that might not have made a difference. It could have been me instead of the cabdriver. We’ll never know. But Tory knew I loved her, and she called a number of people that night. We need to let that go. Remember her, of course, but live our lives, you know?”
Zev scrubbed a hand down his face and said, “I sure do.”
“I’ve got to tell you, I wasn’t one hundred percent sure how you’d react to seeing Carly again. I knew you might deck me when you found out about Char’s plan. But Char changed my world, man. I have a fuller life than I ever thought possible, and I just couldn’t stand back watching you run from yours any longer.” Beau paused, studying Zev’s face for a beat. “You look happier, but something’s off. What’s going on? Did we fuck up?”
“What do you think is going on?” Zev didn’t mean to snap, but he was beyond frustrated. “Carly’s back in my life, Beau. Carly. I’m still wrapping my head around it. I never thought I could love anyone more than I loved Carly when we were teenagers, but I was wrong. I love this Carly—grown-up, careful thinking, chocolatier Carly—ten times more than I loved her when we were kids.” He told Beau everything about their time together, save for the intimate details. He told him about their heartfelt confessions, the accusations, the pain they’d dredged up, and the healing that came with it. He also told him about taking her to the dive site, sleeping in the van, and his expedition plans for the upcoming week.
Zev leaned his elbows on his knees, worrying with his hands as he confided in the brother who had suffered an even greater loss than any of them, and he told Beau about their time in Mexico. He wanted to ask Beau how to handle the guilt he felt about Carly going through the miscarriage alone, but that wasn’t his story to tell. He would never breach her confidence like that. He needed to figure out a way to find peace around the guilt, and he didn’t want to make Carly relive it again. He trusted Beau, and he hoped he could offer a little advice.
“Carly went through a lot of shit after seeing me in Mexico. It really messed her up. That’s why she quit school and ended up here. I feel so guilty, and I don’t know what to do with that.”
“Damn, Zev. I’m sorry.”
“I keep thinking that if I had gone after her, she wouldn’t have suffered so much.”
“You can’t think like that. Even if you had gotten back together, you don’t know if you would have stayed together for any length of time. You don’t have a crystal ball.”
“How did you stop thinking about all the things you’ve lost?” Zev realized he was talking about more than the miscarriage.
Beau shook his head. “I haven’t stopped thinking about losing Tory, if that’s what you’re asking, or the time that I lost with our family, and I’m pretty sure I never will. Char taught me that it was okay to honor those feelings and that the only way to move forward was to let them exist and to deal with them. Did you apologize to Carly? Tell her how you felt? Did you tell her everything you told me?”
“Yes. She’s moved on from it. I just don’t know what to do with all the guilt.”
“It’s okay to feel guilty, but for the love of God, Zev, don’t fool yourself into thinking you could have somehow changed the outcome of you two if you’d gone after her in Mexico. You made that mistake when Tory died. You’ve always wanted to take the burden of pain off Carly. That’s your thing, bro. But this is after the fact. You can’t fix whatever she went through. There’s no going back in time. We both know that all too well. I don’t know what she went through, but in any situation, the best you can do is to let the pain exist, be there to help if she needs to talk