of his garden, tramps his back field and circles his patch of woodland, without finding anything but a couple of rabbit holes. When he replays that phone call in his head, Alyssa’s voice sounds wrong, worn and beaten down, worse every time.
Before he believes that he’s actually going to do it, he’s phoned Donna.
The phone rings for a long time. He’s on the verge of giving up when she answers.
“Cal,” she says. “What’s up?”
Cal almost hangs up right there. Her voice is absolutely, totally neutral; he doesn’t know how to respond to that voice coming out of Donna. But hanging up would make him feel like such a damn fool that instead he says, “Hey. I’m not gonna hassle you. Just wanted to ask you something.”
“OK. Go ahead.”
He can’t tell where she is or what she’s doing; the background noise sounds like wind, but it could just be the reception. He tries to figure out what time it is in Chicago: noon, maybe? “Have you seen Alyssa lately?”
There’s a slight pause. Every conversation he’s had with Donna since the split has been peppered with these pauses, while she evaluates whether answering his question would fall within the new rules she’s single-handedly established for their relationship. She hasn’t communicated these rules to Cal, so he has no idea what they are, but he sometimes catches himself deliberately trying to break them anyway, like some shitty little kid.
Apparently this question is allowed. Donna says, “I went out to them for a couple of weeks in July.”
“Have you been talking to her?”
“Yeah. Every few days.”
“She seem OK to you?”
The pause is longer this time. “Why?”
Cal feels aggravation rising. He keeps it out of his voice. “She doesn’t sound too good to me. I can’t tell what it is, if she’s just overworked or what, but I’m worried about her. Is she sick or something? Is that Ben guy treating her OK?”
“What are you asking me for?” Donna is fighting hard to keep that neutral voice, but she’s losing, which gives Cal a tiny bit of satisfaction. “It’s not my job to be you guys’ go-between any more. You want to know how Alyssa is, ask her yourself.”
“I did. She says she’s fine.”
“Well there you go.”
“Is she . . . Come on, Donna, give me a break. Is she getting shaky again? Did something happen?”
“You ask her that?”
“No.”
“Then go ahead and ask.”
The heaviness seeping through Cal’s bones is so familiar it makes him tired. He and Donna had so many of these fights, the year before she left, fights that went on forever without ever getting anywhere or even having any clear direction, like those dreams where you run as hard as you can but your legs will barely move.
“Would you tell me?” he asks. “If there was something wrong?”
“Hell no. Anything Alyssa doesn’t tell you, she doesn’t want you to know. That’s her choice. Even if there was something, what are you gonna do about it from there?”
“I could come over. Should I come over?”
Donna makes an explosive noise of sheer exasperation. Donna always loved words and used plenty of them, enough to compensate for Cal’s shortages, but they never were enough to contain what she was feeling; she needed her hands too, and her face, and a mockingbird’s array of noises. “You are unbelievable, you know that? For a smart guy, my God . . . You know what, I’m not doing this. I don’t do your thinking any more. I gotta go.”
“Sure, you do that,” Cal says, his voice rising. “And give my love to Whatshisname,” but she’s already hung up, which is probably a good thing.
Cal stands there in his back field for a while, with the phone in his hand. He wants to punch something, but he knows that would do nothing but bust his knuckles. Having that much sense makes him feel old.
Evening is filtering into the air; there are streaks of cold yellow above the mountains, and in the oak tree the rooks are having their evening conference. Cal goes back to the house and puts some Emmylou Harris on the iPod. He needs someone to be sweet to him, just for a little while.
He takes that bottle of Jim Beam out onto the back steps after all. He can’t see any reason not to. Even if someone is in some kind of danger, it seems the last thing they want is any help from him.
He also can’t see any reason not to let himself sit there