to ruin it with the apprehension I have. Not because I don’t want this with her, but because she’s fragile. She’s had a heart transplant. Can she have a baby? Is it safe? Will she…. I don’t want to think about losing her in the same way we lost Athena. I can’t go through that again. I don’t want to. The fear of losing her overwhelms me, but I keep my thoughts hidden. Her face lights me up, and I forget why I’m concerned as I barely touch my lips to hers and say, “Now you don’t have a choice. I’m keeping you.”
Laughter slips over her. “I suppose I’m okay with that.” I squeeze her tighter, but she stops me. She lifts her head, looking at me. “Are you okay with it? I mean…” Her eyes drop. “I know you just got back, and I’m throwing this at you the first five minutes, but I had to tell someone. I found out three weeks after you left, and it’s been torture not saying anything.”
A rush of anxiety surfaces, and I fidget with the raised buttons on the pockets of her jeans. “Have you seen a doctor yet?” I leave it there. “We, uh, used protection every time.”
“We did, but I was on antibiotics for pneumonia. My doctor said that’s probably what happened, and I guess the condom didn’t work?” I snort, shaking my head at the irony of this. Athena and I tried for Atlas for a year, and here Journey and I tried not to, and it happened regardless. “I went about two days ago and heard the heartbeat.” Her eyes tear up and break from mine. “I’m twelve weeks. I have to go in about twice a month, but yeah, it’s a huge risk for me and the baby.”
I’m hesitant, but I ask, “And you want to take that risk?”
She swallows, her cheeks red. “I do. I didn’t think I ever wanted kids, until I hung out with Atlas. And then when that test said positive, I knew I’d do anything to have this baby.”
I don’t like the way she says she’d do anything. It roots fear inside me. But I keep my expression even and controlled. “Have you told anyone?”
“Nobody. I wanted you to be the first, so we could share this together.”
I slide my hands through her hair, lifting her gaze to mine.
A tear rolls down her cheek. “Are you happy? You seem upset.”
I rearrange my thoughts. “I love you.” I don’t know what else to say. Am I happy? I don’t know. I want this with her, but the fear of losing her is outweighing any excitement I might have for the life inside her.
My thoughts spin. Journey has in the center of her chest something I once loved, and maybe it was because of Athena that I opened myself up again. Maybe this is how it was always supposed to be. Athena gave Journey back her life because she knew someday we’d need her in ours.
I breathe in and out, trying to fill my lungs with much-needed air. My fears of this ending slam into my chest and suffocate my words. I know this girl and the life inside her is my future, but it doesn’t come without uneasiness.
Eventually, because Atlas is overloading on cookies and wanting to open presents, I pull him aside to wipe the chocolate off his cheeks. He smiles at me, eyes amped on sugar. I think about telling him about Journey being pregnant later, in private, but Journey beats me to it.
“Hey, dude.” She winks at him, handing him a glass of milk. “How do you feel about being a big brother?”
My heart pounds in my chest, and I can’t believe how much it aches for the unknown. For him, for her, it’s too much. Her excitement, I can’t stomach that ending. Journey’s gaze clings to my face, waiting for me to say something.
I don’t, but my stony demeanor liquefies, and I wink at her, leaning into the counter.
Atlas’s face scrunches, a milk mustache clear on his lips. “What does that mean?”
Dad overhears, and his reaction is the same as mine. He knows what this could potentially mean.
Presley pops up from her place at the table where she’s eating pie next to Bear. They look pretty cozy next to one another. “You’re pregnant?” Presley gushes, hugging Journey to her chest.
Journey nods, beaming with excitement, but my attention shifts to her brother.