nodded, looking ready to face a firing squad. “It’s my fault.”
“How can it be your fault? Wasn’t it a car accident or something?”
“Yeah, but it was—it was because of me.”
My brow furrowed. “Were you in the car?”
“No, but—”
“Did you cut her brakes?”
“No, of course not, but—”
“Did you give her drugs and then tie her hands to the wheel?”
“Jesus, will you just stop for a second?” Holden said, finally tearing his eyes away from the night sky to look at me. “It was my fault. We were dating, and I broke up with her, and she didn’t take it well and a few days later, she walked in on me hooking up with someone else.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize to me. I don’t deserve that. I was the one who used her, who broke up with her and didn’t make sure she was okay. I didn’t stop her when I knew she was going out to get wasted. I didn’t go after her, after she saw me. And the next day, she was—fuck. I should have done something. Said something. Should have made sure—”
He brought the heels of his hands to his eyes, the blanket crumpling in the crook of his elbow. Tears glistened on his cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” Holden said. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t get to cry about this. I’m the reason she’s gone, and if I hadn’t been such a shitty person—”
I stepped forward and threw my arms around him, hugging him tight, shoulder muscle be damned. I felt him freeze in my arms.
“I don’t know the details,” I said fiercely. “But I can promise you, you’re allowed to feel sad about this. I really don’t think that it was your fault. And I know you’re not a shitty person. A shitty person wouldn’t have taken care of me the way you have these past two weeks.”
“Gus, I’m gay.” Holden made a sound that was half laugh, half sob. “Teenage-you was right. I’m gay, and I always have been, but I was too afraid to admit it back then, even to myself. I dated Aggie so I wouldn’t have to think about it. Dated her until I was so disgusted with myself that I couldn’t anymore. But by then, the damage was done. I used her, and now she’s dead because of me. If I hadn’t been such a coward, she’d still be alive.”
“It’s not your fault,” I insisted. “You can’t be responsible for someone else’s actions.”
“I was with a guy that night. When she walked in. The first guy I’d ever been with. I couldn’t even wait a full week between breaking up with her and throwing myself at the first guy who would take me. If I’d been honest from the beginning—if I hadn’t tried to hide who I was—”
“If you’d been honest from the beginning, who knows what would have happened? Maybe you would have ended up dead. Maybe Aggie still would have. Maybe nothing, but you can’t know, and thinking like that—I mean, do you think I haven’t wondered what the hell led me here? Wondered if I’d just done one thing differently, whether I’d be back home, my memory intact, knowing who the hell I am?”
“Gus—”
“You can’t know. And wondering will drive you crazy. I’ll take you at your word that you hurt her. But you didn’t lure her into that room, so she’d see you with that guy. You didn’t get her wasted. You didn’t make her get in the car.”
“But I’m the one who created the situation that made that all possible. I’m the one who started it all.”
“You can’t take responsibility for an entire chain of events. Fuck, that would leave no room for free will for anybody on the planet, if we all thought like that.”
Holden sobbed into my shoulder. “If you’d seen what a coward I was—”
“I’d probably have had a lot of compassion for you,” I told him. “Because coming out is scary, and I can’t imagine how much scarier it is when you’re famous and you’re worried about your career riding on your presumed straightness.”
“You don’t know what I was like.”
“No, but I know who you are now. And who you are now is what matters. Isn’t that what you told me too?”
“Yeah, but—”
“No yeah-buts. I mean it.” I pulled back just far enough to look up at him. “If all that matters is who I am now, then it’s the same for you too.”