with a journalist. About the Infinity Falls reunion.”
“You could reschedule that.”
“Maybe.” He traced a finger down my cheek. “But I think it’s best to give you guys some space. And it’s not like I could stay forever, anyway. Once the rest of your family’s here, I’m sure they’ll want to take you home.”
Home.
Where was home? California, where my parents lived? That didn’t feel right—and not just because my memory of my house in California was still foggy, like looking at it through shower glass.
Home was Holden. That was the truth of it. And anywhere that my family tried to take me without him being there would never feel right.
I’d solidified my sense of self in talking to my family. But it hadn’t changed how I felt about Holden. I loved him. No matter what I remembered or learned about myself, that wasn’t going to change.
“I want you to come,” I said, knowing I was whining and unable to stop myself.
“I know.” Holden squeezed my hand. “I know.”
But he didn’t do anything else. Didn’t say he’d changed his mind or that he was willing to come along. He just grabbed his shoes and headed for the door, his smile already slipping into a business-like frown.
“Come on, let’s go see about a phone and a ride.”
All I could do was follow him, wondering why it felt like everything about Edgecliffe, about Birch Bay, was already fading like an overexposed photograph, the memory of something that no longer existed.
I couldn’t shake that sense of unease all day.
Holden sent Daisy out to get me a phone and I was able to text with my mom, and my dad during his layover in Boston. Daisy also agreed to drive me down to Portland, but Holden seemed to sense that I was still worried.
“She’ll make sure nothing happens to you,” he promised, and I couldn’t help thinking, ‘That’s your job.’ It wasn’t rational, but I thought it anyway.
Of course, asking Daisy to drive me meant finally explaining to her what I was even doing at Edgecliffe, which meant we both had to endure a lecture about how stupid we’d been, not going to the police all this time.
Daisy got loud enough that eventually Hadley came down to see what all the fuss was about, which meant telling the story all over again, and even more huffs and eye rolls from Daisy.
It felt a little bit like Holden was using the busy-ness of the day to avoid being alone with me, and about half an hour before I was supposed to leave, I found him in his room. Not doing anything—just staring out at the ocean beyond the French doors to his balcony.
When he turned, I thought I caught a glimpse of sorrow on his face, but it was gone so quickly, I might have imagined it.
“I still don’t see why you can’t come with us,” I said, cutting right to the point.
“I told you. The interview. And you and your dad don’t need me there, getting in the way when you’re catching up.”
I thought he sounded as much like he was trying to convince himself as he was trying to convince me, so I stepped forward and took his hand, pressing my advantage.
“You’d choose an interview over me?”
It wasn’t fair, but I said it anyway. I felt like the ground was giving way beneath my feet, and I was willing to grab onto whatever I needed to.
“It wouldn’t be right for me to be there,” Holden said, and I felt my hopes grow thinner. When he decided something was right or wrong, it was annoyingly hard to get him to change his mind.
“But I want you there. I need you there.”
“Ari, I can’t.”
“But I—” I cut myself off right before the words tumbled out of my mouth.
But I love you. That’s what I wanted to say. But the point was to make Holden want to come with me, not freak him out even more.
“Why does this feel like goodbye?” I asked instead, suddenly choked up.
“It’s not.” Holden pulled me in for a hug. “I’ll be right here waiting for you. I promise. And Daisy will keep you safe. Nothing’s going to happen to you.”
“Then why am I so scared?” I wailed. I hated how little control I had, but with the clock rapidly counting down to the moment I had to leave, any semblance of maturity I had was abandoning me.
What if Holden wasn’t here when I came back? What if he didn’t want me around