“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” Mason mumbles under his breath and shakes his head.
“It isn’t just that. Why don’t you tell him? Tell him what else you just did,” Mason eggs me on.
“Signed divorce papers.”
“You did what?” Fin snaps as he pushes his way to the front of the group. “What the hell are you thinkin’?”
“I’m thinkin’ that she will have a fresh start. She deserves that. I was thinkin’ maybe she could move on and live a life that she’s always wanted. I’m not gonna be able to provide her that and I for damn sure won’t make her a widow.”
“So that’s it?” her voice shakes my body to the core.
I hate the sound of her voice when’s she sad or upset. I close my eyes and tip my head back while trying to control my breathing before I turn to face her. When I open my eyes and look into hers I feel like shit. I feel like I’ve let her down, and in so many ways I have.
“You don’t understand Molly. This life. This thing that’s happenin’ is all my fault. I didn’t protect you all those years ago like I should have. I didn’t do my job as a man and that’s what fuckin’ kills me. Every time I look at you I see the mistakes I’ve made. I should have kept you safe from him. I failed. I should have kept my son safe. I should have been there to watch his first steps, to see him crawl, and to teach him how to play football. I fucked it all up Mols. I’ve made so many mistakes in my goddamn life. I couldn’t possibly fix them all. But, this one? I can fix this one. When I’m gone you can move on. You can start over and make yourself the life you’ve always dreamed of. You can be someone. You won’t have a worry in the goddamn world because I’m gonna make them all right first.”
The room is deadly silent around us. The air is thick. The tension is high. Molly stares at me, a mask of emotions on her face.
“You really think that’s what I want? Do you even care what I want?”
“It’s not about what any of us want Molly. It’s about what’s right. Don’t you get that?”
“I get that you want to run off and leave me all alone. I get that you want to fix everything, but there are some things you just can’t fix Roland. If anyone can see that it should be you!”
“I can fix this.” I step closer to her now. I’m standing mere inches from her. “I can make what I did to fuck this up right. It isn’t just us Molly. It’s the club too. They are my family as much as you are and I can’t turn my back on what I did to them.”
Her eyes fill with tears. The moment between us is intense, but it’s broken when Taz screams.
“Get in here,” her words rip the silence and shred any hope that any of us thought we had.
Chapter 29
Molly
Loss is hard. It’s even harder when it’s your kid. My heart has never felt so empty. We buried Drake two weeks ago. Nothing has been the same since. I drink until I become numb. Roland is constantly on the move. It’s like he can’t stay still or he’ll lose himself. I can’t say that I blame him. We all grieve in our own ways. We all hate and hurt differently. I don’t hate Roland for what he’s doing. I hate myself for not being stronger. I think about it every day of my life. Why didn’t he fight harder? Why didn’t I figure out something sooner? I always come up empty.
“You need anything else?” Fin asks as he sits on the couch next to me.
I hold up the bottle of Jack and shake my head no. This is all I need. As long as it makes the pain and anger go away, I’m good.
“You can’t drink yourself out of what you’re feelin’ Molly.”
“No? Maybe some coke will help?” I tell him.
“I’ve been there too. Drugs don’t ease it either darlin’. I would know.”
Fuck him. He doesn’t know shit. He never lost his child. The one thing that he loved more than anything in the world. I did. How dare he tell me that?
“Leave me the fuck alone Fin.”
“Wish I could babe. Look, I just wanted to let you know that we