It doesn’t matter how much I drink, how many pills I pop, or how many lines I snort, the images never seem to fade. They’re always there. Every time I close my fucking eyes, I can still see her. The way she looked at me, her eyes fucking hollow and empty. I’d never seen her look that way in my entire life. I remember reaching for her.
“Come on sweetheart, you don’t want to do this.”
Her eyes are completely void. It’s like she isn’t even in there.
“I’m sorry, Mason. I have to. There’s just no other way,” she cries.
“Briann, come on. You know there’s another way. Let me help you. We can do this together, just like we always have,” I beg her. Silent tears stream down her cheeks. Each one drops to the nothingness below her. If she does this? If she actually jumps? I will die right along with her. My soul frozen in time.
“I love you, Mason. I really do, but I just can’t do this anymore,” she sobs through her tears.
My heart beats faster as I listen to the noises in the background. The sounds of the police radios advising that they have a jumper. She isn’t a goddamn jumper, she’s my fucking sister! She’s family. She’s all that I have left.
“I love you too, darlin’. We can do this. We’ve got this. I know what he did to you Briann. I know how hurt you are, but if you do this, if you jump, you let that fucker win. Don’t let him win, Briann,” I plead, trying to reason with her.
“Mason, I just can’t do this anymore. Do you know how hard I’ve tried? I can’t do it. Everything that he did to me-” her voice trails off as I run my hand over my face in frustration.
“I know, sweetheart. I know. I can’t make it go away, but I love you. You have to believe that,” I tell her. My heart is slowly breaking. I can feel it shattering inside of me. I can’t handle seeing her like this. There are days I wonder if she’s better off being elsewhere so that nothing can hurt her again, but then I remember the smile on her face when we were younger, before the pain and humiliation stole her happiness. I want that back. I know she has it in her somewhere. I just want that part of her back in my life.
“I believe you, Mason. One day you will see that this was my best choice. One day you will get the chance to be happy, when you don’t have to worry about me anymore. Take it when it comes, Mason. You deserve it.”
Before I can say another word, she does it. She jumps. She actually fucking jumps. “No!” I cry as I race to the edge of the bridge. Three armed police officers shove me back, stopping me from seeing what she’s done to herself. I fall on my ass and cry. She was nineteen years old. She was a baby for fuck’s sake.
Why the hell is this world so fucked up? Why did she feel she had no choice but to do that? “You shouldn’t have done that, Briann. Why the fuck did you do that?” I cry to myself as I sit on the overpass. I knew her mind was in a dark place; I just didn’t realize how dark. “Why did you do that?” I scream even louder. Hands pat my shoulders as I curl up into myself. I should hate her for what she’s done. I should be pissed at the world, but the only one I’m truly pissed at is myself. I should have been stronger for her. Maybe I didn’t do enough for her? Treatment, counseling, maybe the doctor was right when he told me she needed to be committed? I didn’t want that shit for her. I refused. I fucked up and now she’s gone.
“Son, I’m so sorry,” one of the cops states as he kneels next to me. I shake him off. Sorry? He didn’t know her. He didn’t give a single shit about her. I wipe my eyes as I shove myself off the ground.
“Fuck you! She didn’t mean shit to you, man,” I snap at him. His eyes are full of sorrow, but for what? For some random girl he didn’t even know? That’s bullshit.
“We need to talk to you about sister’s state of mind,” he says softly grabbing my arm. I shake him off