Say Hello, Kiss Goodbye - Jacquelyn Middleton Page 0,94
to deal and move on much faster. But when we shove them aside, they tend to fester and create anxiety, which tricks us into adopting coping mechanisms or self-soothing behaviors that can have dangerous consequences…things like drugs and drinking.”
I know this already. I’ve learned the hard way—multiple times. Tarquin cleared his throat and set his coffee on the railing. “Look, Dex, I know the drill, okay? Yes, I’ve had a drink or two, but—”
“Only two?”
Shit. Caught out. Tarquin frowned. “Okay, I might’ve… drowned my sorrows in a bottle of Dom Pérignon Rosé 1959.”
“Yowza!” Dex’s eyes bulged behind his glasses. “How’d you get your mitts on that? I know vintages, and that’s a rare beast.”
“My Scottish grandfather. He meticulously collected limited-edition champers from around the globe. When he died, he left a magnum to each grandkid, set aside until we turned twenty-one. We were supposed to share them with our future spouses when we got hitched…” A playful smirk bent Tarquin’s lips. “Whoops.” He did a double take, detecting a sympathetic wince on Dex’s face. “But that’s it for self-soothing. No drugs, no gambling—that’s the old me. Right now, I’m barely making it out of bed, mate. Thank god my office is just a sleep-deprived stumble away from my flat.”
“Well, hold up there, cowboy!” The therapist tipped his water bottle in Tarquin’s direction. “Overworking is just another unhealthy way to self-soothe. Diving into our jobs so our brains get lost in the minutia while what’s bothering us gets buried—that can perpetuate depressive episodes, too.”
He’s onto me. Tarquin tugged on the cuff of his sweater’s sleeve poking out from his coat. His thumb popped through a small hole. Fuck.
Dex rested his water bottle on the cement railing. “So, what’s the emotion you’ve been feeling the most since Leia left?”
“That’s easy: sadness, hopelessness.” Tarquin sucked in a breath and glared at a pair of swans swimming side by side. “My dismal track record with women strikes again.”
“How is it dismal?”
Do we really have to go there? Can’t we just agree? I’m a fucking failure! “I’m alone, aren’t I?” Tarquin snapped back. “I’d call that dismal.”
“Well, tell me how you got here.” Dex scratched at his pork pie hat.
Flippin’ hell. This is like talking about my sex life with someone’s hipster dad. Tarquin exhaled heavily. “I’ve been with lots of women, okay? I started young. You know, the usual—snogging behind the school at age eight, sex by the time I was fourteen.” I hate this, explaining myself. “Not to sound bigheaded, but I didn’t have to work for female attention. Blame my family’s wealth, I suppose.”
Dex pouted. “Come on! You’re an intelligent, fun, attractive fella, Tarquin. There’s more to you than your account balance, and you know it.”
He shrugged. “But through all the snogging and shagging, I’ve only fallen for two—no, three women.”
“Do you fall easily?”
“Yeah…but Leia was different. My dream girl, by name and nature.”
“Dream girl, huh? Hmm, you really like this Leia.”
“Like? Mate, that’s the understatement of the century. She’s this smart, confident blonde who knows how to have fun. Sexy as hell, too, but she also knows what she wants career-wise and works damn hard to get it. Despite that, she was never all about herself. She was always caring and empathetic, devoted to her sister, and interested in my business—interested in me. I didn’t have to pretend to be the life of the party or offer to buy her things so she’d like me. And I liked who I was with her. I felt good about myself…so good I almost told her about my depression.”
“And what stopped you?”
“What always stops me.” He snatched his coffee. “Being seen as weak, unconfident—it’s emasculating. And besides, everybody wants Fun Tarquin. I don’t want to disappoint.”
“But you just said you didn’t pretend with her?”
“Yeah, but”—Tarquin winced—“I…sorta did.” He took a long sip, delaying his confession. “I wanted a relationship with her, I knew that right away, but Leia didn’t want anything…heavy. I lied so she’d sleep with me. That’s why I didn’t mention my depression—in case she ghosted me and I was left with nothing. She mentioned once she was in therapy herself, but that sort of made me more determined not to say anything. I didn’t want to make it all about me.”
“Have you heard from her since she left?” Dex nudged his blue glasses up his nose and smiled at the sun breaking through the clouds.
“She emailed before her flight. I drafted a response but didn’t send it.”