sorry, I should’ve never said that. I don’t know what came over me. I should’ve never—”
“But you did. You said it.”
“I regretted it instantly.”
Leila sprang from the door. Tobias relaxed, expecting her to waft into his arms, but instead she swerved around him, shuffling to the other side of the room.
“Aren’t you supposed to be with Cosima right now?”
His gut twisted. “I left Her. To see you.”
She shook her head. “You should go back.”
“I can’t, Leila. I can’t go back to Her chamber.”
She spun around. “Her chamber?”
Shit. He forced back a cringe. “Yes…”
Leila’s eyes narrowed, a look sharp enough to wound him.
“I left to be with you,” he said. “So I could make things right. I was only there for a moment—”
She scoffed. “A quick performer, are we?”
“What? No, you don’t understand—”
“Oh, I understand completely.”
“That’s not what happened.”
“It’s awfully audacious of you,” she said. “Coming here after you’ve fucked Cosima.”
“I didn’t fuck Cosima! Dammit, you have to listen to me!”
“Why? You didn’t listen to me the last time we spoke.”
His lungs ached. “I know. I’m so sorry.”
“I want you to leave.” She crossed her arms, nodding at the door. “Go.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“Fine, then I’ll just pretend you’re not here.”
She spun toward her desk, aimlessly fiddling with her things. Her body had gone tense, her whole being on the verge of explosion.
“I didn’t fuck Cosima. I hate Cosima.” Tobias forced the words from the back of his throat. “But I did kiss Her.”
Her shoulders went rigid. He had hurt her. Again.
“I didn’t want to. You need to believe me, I didn’t want to.” His heart beat faster. “When I kiss Her, I feel a sickness. A loathing for myself. For betraying you.”
“You can kiss whomever you like. I have no claim on you.”
“And that’s the next thought in my mind: that I’m not yours. And that realization—that understanding—it breaks my bones. It kills me.”
Leila didn’t say anything, her back still pointed his way.
“I swear, I’m not lying to you. She cornered me, wouldn’t take no for an answer. And when I rejected Her advances, She accused me of straying. Said She’d speak to Brontes—”
Leila spun toward him. “Brontes?”
“She said my behavior was suspect. That She’d find this other woman and do something about her.” His heart pounded in his throat. “I feared She’d find out about you. That you’d be punished, or killed—”
“Dammit, She already knows.”
His heart stopped. “She knows?”
“She’s known this whole time. She fucking knows.”
“Then…why did She proposition me?”
“Because She’s a traitorous bitch!” Leila grabbed a glass ornament from her desk and hurled it at the wall.
Glass sprayed across the floor. Leila’s chest heaved, her cheeks flaming red, the vision of her rage its own heartbreak.
“God, how did it all go so wrong?” She cradled her face in her hands. “This tournament. I’ve lost my Sister. I’ve lost you.”
“You haven’t lost me. I’m right here.”
“I trusted you,” she spat. “Made sacrifices for you. Took risks that left me vulnerable. And you repay me with contempt.” She balled her hands into fists. “I trusted you, and you crushed me.”
A pang shot through him. “I’m so sorry.”
Tears streaked her cheeks, and Tobias rushed toward her, scooping her in his arms. “No no, please don’t cry.”
“Don’t touch me.” She ripped herself from his grasp.
His eyes welled over. “Tell me how to fix this. Tell me how, and I’ll do it.” He searched her face. “Do you need me to beg?” He dropped to his knees. “I’ll beg, Leila. I’ll beg.”
She sighed. “Tobias—”
“I need you.” He grabbed her hands. “I let doubt and fear cloud my instincts, but I see things clearly now. And I see you. I’ve always seen you.”
All she did was cry, her eyes clamped shut, her cheeks raw and wet.
“Leila, I’ve racked my brain and come up with nothing. There is no answer—no outcome that leads me to you. Yet still, I can’t marry Cosima.” He squeezed her hands tighter. “I choose you. Even if it’s impossible, it’s the choice I’m making. And I will reap whatever consequence it brings. But I can’t be with Cosima. I can only be with you.”
Still there was nothing, just tears and despair. His throat became thick. “God, this is it. I’ve literally ruined everything.”
Leila shook her head. “No. This is my fault.”
“It’s not.”
“It is.”
“I’m a fool,” he said. “I’ve made so many stupid decisions, and I’m willing to pay whatever price comes from them. But I’m not willing to lose you.”
“Tobias, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”