Just stop. The words sat in his throat, refusing to move, so he simply shook his head.
“Tobias, hear me.” Her voice was firm. “There is no tournament. Not here in this room. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to be proud. You can be weak. You’re with me. Do you think I won’t protect you?”
Her words were lost on him, but her touch was warm, tempting. A tear crept down his face, marking the beginning of the end of his resolve.
Leila came in closer, her voice a whisper. “Tobias…”
Please, just stop, except the words were for himself, for his command as it slipped away. Tobias, stop, but tears forced their way from his eyes, and the stiffness of his body turned loose, all at the bidding of the woman before him. There was nothing—no control, he was stripped of it—and all he could do was cradle his face in his hands as Leila wrapped her arms around him.
Pain engulfed him, each of his scars and scabs reopened. At some point Leila guided him to a couch and took him in her arms, but he was crippled, his tears like blood pouring from old wounds. Leila had one arm slung around his shoulders, the other hand gripping his hair, and he wished she’d pull harder, enough to make it hurt, to make him feel anything besides misery.
“I can’t.” He dug his fingers into her back, burying his face into the side of her neck. “I can’t keep watching my friends die.”
Leila squeezed him tighter. “I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t do it. I couldn’t save Milo. I couldn’t save Orion—”
“Their deaths are not your burden to bear.”
“It’s my fault. Kaleo was aiming for me. It was my end.” He choked over his words. “Orion…he threw himself in front of me. He’s dead, and it’s my fault.”
“Tobias—”
“It’s my fault. I killed him.”
“He made a choice,” Leila said. “He acted with purpose—to let you live. Don’t you dare for a second wear his decision as your own. He wouldn’t want that.”
Tobias held her tighter, shaking with rage. “I hate this tournament. I hate the Sovereign. I hate The fucking Savior.”
Leila sighed. “Tobias…”
“My friends died for Her. She’s The Savior, and She does nothing.”
“It’s beyond Her control—”
“Dammit, just let me hate Her. Please.” He spoke against her cheek, his words sharp. “I need to hate Her. The Sovereign. All of it. I need to.”
Leila went quiet, resting her head in the curve of his neck.
“Everything is fucked, and I can’t fix it. The people I care for…they’re dead. And if they’re not dead, they’re suffering.” Wave after wave of repressed emotion washed through him. “My sister will never walk again. She’ll never be happy again. I try, but no matter what I do, I can’t fix it.”
“You do more than you know.”
He plunged his hands into her hair, pulling her closer. “I will never have you.”
Leila turned to look him straight on. “Tobias?”
He stared down at her lips. “The way I feel about you… Each day, I fall harder. And all it does is put you in greater danger.”
“That’s not true.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“Tobias, look at me.” She cupped his face, forcing him to meet her gaze. “My life is complicated. I’ve fought for everything I have, it’s all I’ve known. But when I’m with you, I feel safe and seen for the first time since I can remember. Do you hear me? You are a blessing.”
Tobias leaned his head against hers, his body tight, aching. As she stroked his hair, he closed his eyes, drowning in thoughts he wished would disappear.
“Leila?”
“Yes?”
“Is the Proctor dead?”
She stopped her petting, her chest expanding with a deep breath. “Yes.”
Silence filled the room, the two plagued with the same tension.
“Did you kill him? I won’t judge, but I need to know—”
“I didn’t kill him,” Leila said. “I hated the man…but I needed him alive.”
“Then who was it?”
She tightened her grip on him. “Brontes.”
The altercation from the other day floated through his thoughts—one more horrid vision in his havocked mind. “You weren’t supposed to be in the labyrinth. You weren’t supposed to be healing us.”
“No. I wasn’t.”
“Why’d you do it?”
“It started out for specific reasons. Then my reasons…changed.”
Tobias’s heart swelled and sank, a jarring juxtaposition. Orion’s death, the Sovereign’s torments, Leila’s secrets—it was too much. He dropped his head into its spot against her neck, his body sucked dry, but at least the tears had stopped falling.
Leila wove her arms around him. “Has the storm cleared?”