“One did it because he’s ‘cute.’ This one does it for George,” he said. “Who are the Americans giving their money to Satan’s Defense Fund?”
Now the camera was showing a bunch of high school girls in bikinis conducting a car wash in a Quiznos parking lot. The big sandwich board on the corner read, “We feel your pain: Satan Prince of Darkness Defense Fund.”
“And it’s not just your average Americans,” Sam Soto said. “Celebrities are getting in on the act, too.”
Cut to: a giant coliseum somewhere in the New Jersey Meadowlands. The capacity crowd was cheering and screaming and snapping their lighters. Onstage, the lead singers of Iron Maiden, Queensryche, Quiet Riot and Ratt were singing earnestly into a microphone. Behind them, an enormous banner read, “Satan Prince of Darkness Defense Fund.”
“The Satan Prince of Darkness Gods of Hair Metal benefit show sold out the Meadowlands last night,” Sam Soto said. “With the leaders of four of the biggest metal acts saying that Satan was a ‘special guy’ who had ‘done a lot for their careers’ and it was time for them to give something back. And in Portland, musicians of a different stripe gathered.”
An outdoor stage in Portland with a “Satan Prince of Darkness Defense Fund” banner and a Tibetan flag hanging from it. The Indigo Girls were playing.
“The Beastie Boys, Rage Against the Machine and the Indigo Girls gave a benefit performance for the fund, as well.”
Emily Saliers stepped up to the microphone as the last notes of “ Galileo” faded into the summertime air.
“I don’t believe in Satan,” she said to the crowd. “But there comes a time when an artist just needs to say ‘Enough is enough.’ And that time is now. Free Satan and Tibet!”
The crowd roared.
“I feel so close to the Indigo Girls,” Minos said.
“With over sixty million dollars raised in only three days, the Satan Prince of Darkness Defense Fund is one of the most successful charities in American history,” Sam Soto said. “But what does that say about us? And what will they do with the money? Questions that can only be answered by the fund’s managers, who at this time declined to comment. This is Sam Soto, NY 1 News. Anne?”
“We’re back in business,” Nero said. “Sixty million dollars in three days? I’ve got to get in touch with these people. Maybe we can pay off the judgment without going broke. Sir? Sir?”
“I never thought that the world would come together for Satan,” Mary said. “This is a miracle.”
“Do we have a phone? Do any of us have a phone? Sir? Wake up.”
Satan’s breathing was fast and shallow. Nero shook his shoulder for a minute but Satan was non-responsive.
“I think something’s wrong,” Nero said.
Mary and Minos came over.
“Hey,” Mary said, slapping Satan’s gray, putty-colored face. “Wake up!”
“Do you really think hitting him will work?” Nero asked.
“No, but I like doing it,” she said and smacked Satan again.
Minos poked Satan in the tummy with one enormous claw.
“He don’t move when I poke him,” he observed.
“I think...” Nero began, then wet his lips, nervously. “I think I need to do that mouth-to-mouth respiration. Or the Heimlich. I’m not sure which. Do either of you know which? I need to do something.”
Before their eyes, Satan was fading. Color had left his skin, his eyes flicked feverishly behind their lids, even his hair was limp and lifeless. Nero rolled him over onto his back.
“Okay,” Mary said. “This isn’t funny anymore. Is he dying? Can he die?”
“None of us die,” Nero said. “But we do become irrelevant.”
“What happens then?” Mary asked.
“We shouldn’t talk about dat,” Minos said.
“She deserves to know,” Nero said. “You know Zeus? Odin? The Great Spirit? They all became irrelevant. They just faded away into nothing.”
“Is that what he’s doing?”
“I’ve never seen it before, okay?” Nero said. “This is my first time watching a deity die.”
Mary shoved him aside and began CPR. Minos and Nero watched as she delivered efficient chest compressions, one-two-three, rest, one-two-three, rest.
“I think yer hurting him,” Minos said.
“What do you want me to do?” Mary snapped.
“Please,” Nero said. “Don’t let him die.”
Nero looked at his lord and master with frightened, wide eyes, full of despair.
“We need to come up with a plan,” Mary said, as she continued CPR. “Can we stall them at the Death Match? And get that money from the defense fund to pay off the judgment?”