room? Why can’t we spray down with Febreeze at da end of the day?”
“Yeah!” the demons yelled. “ Potpourri! Febreeze!”
“We deal with all the souls who come in here,” Minos ranted, really getting on a roll. “All day and all night. And they’ve all got complaints: ‘I didn’t do it,’ ‘I led a righteous life,’ ‘I was President of the United States.’ And we haveta figure out an appropriate punishment for eacha dem. And you know what? These torments haven’t been updated in centuries. They’re outta date! Did ya know that some fetishists are coming here because they wanna be buried in excrement? Andrew Johnson loves it! And what about online bullies? Where do they go? Why ain’t there a setta guidelines for these chumps? How come every time I get someone who was born after 200 AD I haveta start from scratch?”
“We want better rules and regulations!” the mob of demons shouted.
“I get a new demon, and I gotta train him from nuthin’,” Minos said. “You know how much time dat takes? Last week I hadta transfer some giants from the Ninth Circle up to the Fifth and all they wanted ta do was hit people in the head with rocks. It took me two days to gettem ta stop and no one paid me anything for my overtime. If you don’t start addressing these problems then we’re all gonna quit and we’ll see how you like that.”
“But...but if you quit, where will you go.” Nero asked, unable to contain himself.
“Heaven!” Minos shouted, and the cavern suddenly got quiet. “They already said they’d take us back.”
“They did?” Nero asked.
“Yeah, because we’re sick and tired of being treated like dis.”
Nero noticed that Satan’s face was slowly turning red.
“Sir?” Nero said. He was alarmed at how red Satan was turning. “Sir?”
“Well, GO!” Satan exploded.
“Sir!” Nero gasped.
“Ever since we restructured and moved you guys up here from the second circle you’ve done nothing but piss and moan. You didn’t like being down there with the wanton and all that dust from the infernal hurricane, so I listened and relocated you up here and now you’re complaining again. What’s it going to take to make you happy? You know what I just did? I fired Death! And now I’ve got to find a replacement. What are you doing tonight? Going home, to eat your little snack cakes and your ham? I’m going to be on a plane to Los Angeles – LOS ANGELES – to deal with this Death situation. Have you ever been to Los Angeles? It’s a giant moron carnival!”
“You really fired Death?” Minos asked in his indoors voice.
“Yes! I really fired him!”
There was a long silence. No one ever got fired in Hell. This was new.
“You’re not gonna fire us, are ya, boss?” Minos asked. “Because we were all jus’ blowin’ off some steam here.”
“Yeah,” a few demons muttered. “Blowing off steam.”
“I haven’t decided yet!”
“Well, you know me. I’ve always been a team player,” Minos said. “We’ve all been team players up here at The Gates. And, um, obviously this is, um, a very bad time for you, and so why doan you go do whatever it is you need to do and doan worry about us, because we all know you’re doing your best, Mr. Boss, and we’ll all jus’ go back ta work and talk about this later?”
“Booo! No negotiating with management,” a minor Demon shouted. Minos gave a quick nod and the dissenter was decapitated.
“Braaaap!” his neck hole blarted, as a pair of demons dragged him away.
“Come on everybody,” Minos shouted. “Back ta work. Look fierce. Balial, brandish that trident like you mean it. These souls ain’t gonna damn themselves!”
“Nicely done, sir,” Nero said as he and Satan walked away. “But I fear that if more demons find out Death has been fired and there is no replacement this unrest will spread. And you know how demons gossip.”
“I’m getting a replacement,” Satan said.
“As soon as possible, right?”
“Would you stop pressuring me? I’m on it. Book me a ticket for Los Angeles.”
Sister Mary Renfro finished adjusting the idle on the carburetor and slammed the hood of the old Chevy. She slid her screwdriver back into her tool kit, and latched its cover. She removed her work gloves, folded them in half, and tucked them into one pocket, then she picked up her tool kit and took it over to the porch and carefully put it down. Returning to the Chevy, she shook out her work mat and then