Satan Loves You - By Grady Hendrix Page 0,63

finished.

“Your honor,” she said. “If it pleases the court may I say something?”

“That’s not allowed,” Judge Gold said. “But let’s get outside the box. This is a zone for free thinkers. Go for it!”

“Frita Babbit is not an easy person to like,” Nancy Standing said. “Look at her. She’s irritating and unpleasant. She is insecure and neurotic. A lot of you will talk about her in the upcoming days. You will say, ‘She should go to the gym more. She needs to wear nicer blouses. She should really do something about her hair.’ And I want you all to know that she would...if not for Satan!”

An appreciative murmur spread through the courtroom.

“What was that all about?” Satan whispered to Nero as he sat down.

“I’ve got a plan, sir,” Nero said. “Just wait.”

If Nero had a plan, it wasn’t a very good one. The prosecution ran an impressive parade of psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, therapists, doctors and nurse practitioners through the witness chair over the next two days and every single one of them hammered on the same fact: if not for Satan, Frita Babbit would have discovered a cure for cancer by now.

“Are you sure you have a plan?” Satan asked Nero, after the third outburst of spontaneous applause from the courtroom.

“Of course,” Nero said.

“Can you share it with me?”

“My plan is to win this case,” Nero said.

“Are there any more details than that?”

“Not yet, sir. But I’m working on it.”

Satan buried his head in his hands.

The man sitting in the witness box that afternoon was Dr. Everett Scott, a specialist in Satanic cults and black magic.

“Dr. Scott,” Eddie Horton said. “Do Satanic cults exist?”

“Most definitely,” the wheelchair-bound Scott said. “They are, to coin a phrase, all around us. One might even be in this courtroom right this very minute.”

A murmur ran through the courtroom.

“As I said,” Dr. Scott continued. “ Satanic cults are all around us. There is growing criminal activity in the world and most of it stems from an underground network of Satanists who make up the global elite. What is the global elite? It is a United Nations of evil made up of witches, warlocks, rock musicians, liberal politicians, Islamo-fascists, French people, geneticists, internet users, child pornographers and Hollywood producers.”

“And can you tell the court how this conspiracy functions.”

“Do you have five thousand hours?”

Appreciative laughter rippled through the courtroom. People liked it when a professorial type in a wheelchair, who reminded them of their crazy old college physics professor, made a funny.

“But seriously,” Dr. Scott said. “I can sum it up for you very simply. The global elite have many perverse needs and they use mind control and circumcision to form an international army of children who are given alternate personalities as assassins, drug runners, servants and prostitutes. Catamites, so to speak. These ‘alternates’ are activated by code words that they disseminate via techno music to the Satanists around the world. They also impregnate many small Catholic girls and then barbecue and eat their babies. They love babies. It’s a little known fact, but Lee Harvey Oswald claims to have been victimized by a Satanic cult when he was child. It’s been hushed up, but I would love to get my hands on his body and see if he had been circumcised or not. That would be very revealing.”

“Can you describe the effect of this Satanic conspiracy on our great nation?” Eddie Horton prompted.

“Large,” Dr. Scott said. “Huge! Many young people commit suicide every day under Satanic circumstances. In Michigan, a young Webelo Scout who was working on his Arrow of Light award killed his entire family, strangling them to death with his official Webelo neckerchief. Afterwards, he turned it on himself. To me it is clear that Satanism was involved. If they can do this to a Webelo Scout, who can’t they reach?”

A concerned rustle passed through the courtroom.

“No further questions, your honor,” Horton said.

“Dr. Scott,” Nero said, striding up to the witness stand. “You claim that there is a massive, underground, Satanic conspiracy that controls the world and it is everyone’s duty to resist it?”

“I not only say that,” Dr. Scott said. “It is true.”

“Where is your evidence?” Nero asked.

“Of what?”

“Of this conspiracy!”

“Objection, your honor,” Eddie Horton objected. “Counsel is being provocative.”

“This is a courtroom and a courtroom is all about evidence,” Judge Gold said. “Overruled. Witness is directed to present evidence.”

“There is no evidence,” Dr. Scott said.

Nero smiled.

“If there is no evidence, how do you expect us to believe your wild tale?”

“No evidence is