“I wanted to be here when your soul finally loosened up enough to come out,” Satan said, hauling himself to his feet.
“You were telling me some kind of really long, boring story,” Sister Mary said.
“Just trying to psych myself up,” Satan said. “I think I have to fight this. I don’t have a choice. It’s my nature. I need to save Hell.”
“But why wait for me?” she asked.
“You hit me in the head with the lid from a toilet tank,” Satan said. “I need someone who knows about fighting.”
Mary looked down at her body.
“Is that really what I looked like?” she asked, disappointed.
“No one ever looks their best when they’re dead,” Satan said.
Absently, Sister Mary rubbed her stomach and then realized what she was doing.
“Am I still...” she couldn’t bring herself to say it.
“What?”
“Full of sin?” she finally managed.
Satan nodded.
Sister Mary began to cry.
“I’m still pregnant!” she wailed.
“And you’re in Hell,” Satan said.
Sister Mary cried harder.
“For all eternity,” he said. “Now come on, we need to get up to the Fifth Circle.”
“I’m having a moment here,” she sniffled.
“We don’t have time for that,” Satan said, and he grabbed her arm and pulled her along behind him as they started the long walk back to the monorail.
Satan led Mary down endless halls with asbestos insulation sagging from the ceilings, stained industrial green walls and half the light bulbs burnt out. Finally, they arrived at Hell’s offices.
“Nero,” he said, bursting through the door. “What’s the situation?”
“Remarkably unchanged,” Nero said. “Bad bordering on disastrous. Sir, did you know you have a soul following you?”
“That’s Mary Renfro. She’s a dead, pregnant nun. I haven’t decided what to do with her yet.”
“I’m glad you’ve decided to rejoin us but you have bigger problems. We’re running out of souls to process and Heaven in getting very impatient and – ”
“I think we’re being set up,” Satan said. “I’ve had time to think and I know you don’t really like it when I do that, but I think that Heaven has been pulling the strings all along. They want to annex Hell and I think that’s why we’re missing all our contenders for the Ultimate Death Match, that’s why I’m being sued right now, that’s why Death is out of action. They want me reeling. They don’t want a fight, they just want to move in with no muss and no fuss.”
“Why would Heaven want to take over Hell?” Mary asked.
“Profits,” Satan said. “Every soul that goes to Heaven is worth a lot more than the souls that come here, but we do more volume. It’s far harder to qualify for Heaven than for Hell, and every year less and less souls get in there and more and more come here. They would love to get their hands on our customer base, start monetizing it the way they’ve monetized Heaven.”
“The bastards,” Nero hissed.
“But we’re going to take the fight to them. Where’s our wrestler?”
“I warn you,” Nero said. “He’s not much, sir.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Satan said. “This nun is going to teach him how to fight dirty.”
“He’s right in here,” Nero said and took them into the room next door where an overweight man with tiny feet and short arms sat. He was wearing a unitard. He looked uncomfortable on both a physical and an existential level.
“So this is Deep Insecurity?” Satan asked.
“Why? Are you going to make fun of me now?” Deep Insecurity asked.
“I just wanted to meet you and give you a little pep talk,” Satan said.
“I’m going to lose,” Deep Insecurity said.
“No you’re not.”
“Don’t pressure me. I don’t respond well to pressure.”
“Look,” Satan said. “Unless you beat Michael in the Ultimate Death Match, Heaven is going to take over Hell and everyone is going to know it was all your fault!”
“Stop yelling at me,” Deep Insecurity said. “You don’t even know my name.”
“Sure I do, Robert.”
“It’s Dan.”
“Right, Dave,” Satan said. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. But things are very stressful right now. I don’t want you to worry. We’re going to sew you a great costume, something really inspiring. Right, Nero?”
“Absolutely,” Nero said. “I’ve got two different sweatshops working on it.”
“You’re going to have a great costume, and you’re going to do super. Mary, have you ever wrestled?”
“No,” Mary said.
“But you were great with that toilet lid so now you’re Doug’s trainer. Do a good job. Literally everything is riding on this.”