“I imagine that Satan would do something against nature like that,” Nancy Grace said.
“But I want to remind your viewers that he was in the form of a serpent when he did it,” Ted Hunter said.
“That is disgusting. I mean, right there, you’ve got a crime against nature. Woman and snake. It just doesn’t make any sense.”
“It’s hard for her to talk about,” Ted Hunter said, “When I make her talk about it she looks so brave and troubled.”
“And it is so brave of her to come out and fight evil in public like this. Your case seems open-and-shut, but what I’m wondering is if the Devil is even going to show up in court.”
“Well, I – ” Ted Hunter started.
“We’ll get back to you, Frita/Ted. Right we’re going to hear from Marcus Whitman, an award-winning journalist and our own special correspondent for the trial. Marcus?”
Marcus Whitman’s puffy, pink face popped into view above Ted Hunter’s.
“Nancy, good to be here, thanks for having me.”
“Cut the chit chat, Whitman. We’re talking about Satan. Is he a no-show at his own trial?”
“At this point it’s hard to speculate on what he will do.”
“One question: why?”
“Because he is the manifestation of all evil in the universe. It’s hard to know what someone that evil is even thinking. He’s not like you or I.”
“What’s his problem?”
“Like I said: evil.”
“To comment, we have Reverend Creflo Dollar here to speak about Satan’s absolute evil. Reverend?”
“Nancy, it’s good to be on your show,” Creflo Dollar said, his face appearing onscreen. “I have something to say that your listeners will want to hear. Satan wants to hold you back. Satan wants you to be poor. Why? Because poor people are unhappy people and Satan feasts on the misery that grows in the human heart. And that misery is caused by a lack of prosperity. God wants you to be prosperous. He wants you to enjoy life.”
“Reverend, on topic,” Nancy snapped. “Satan: showing up for his trial or not?”
“He’s showing up. Think about it. He is the most evil man in all of Creation. He will want to have the soapbox and the attention of the world to convince people to turn away from prosperity.”
“On the other hand, Reverend,” Marcus said. “Maybe it’s more evil for him not to show up? After all, Satan’s greatest feat was convincing the world that he didn’t exist.”
“Who says?” Creflo Dollar asked.
“C.S. Lewis.”
“Do not listen to the writings of wizards,” Creflo Dollar said. “Listen to the word of the Lord. He is certain that the Devil exists and is loose in this world right now! Making people poor, making people get on welfare, making people low class!”
Ted decided that he had been ignored for long enough. He needed to remind everyone that they were here because of him. And also because of Frita Babbit’s bravery. But mostly because of him. As Creflo Dollar and Marcus Whitman bickered, he knew the best way to get the attention of the American people.
“Nancy,” he said. “I think Frita would feel remiss if I didn’t tell you about the oral intercourse that was forced on her. Also, the anal.”
And the whole world paid attention.
On the Seventh Circle of Hell, over by Mary’s body, nothing was happening. Geryon’s shadow slid over the ground as he circled overhead and eventually he flew back to his rock and cleaned his butt with his tail. Later that afternoon, one of the giants came stomping up from the Malebolge and tried to eat Mary’s corpse. Satan threw rocks at him until he went away.
Nero had stopped visiting. Hell had ground to a halt. Most of the demons were already talking about what they were going to do with their sudden surplus of free time once they finished processing the last souls in the dwindling line. Ultimate Frisbee was high on their list. They’d heard a lot about it in recent decades. As for Satan, he just sat by Mary’s corpse and pickled in his own despair. Then, for some reason, he started to talk. He didn’t know why, it was as if the words had built up inside of him for a long time and suddenly they began to fall from his lips. And they told the oldest story in the world: the story of the Creation, and of the Fall.
“It all started when God started talking about getting a hobby,” Satan said.
His voice was rusty with disuse. He’d never been a big