boat. “The real Charo had a heart attack in her sleep back in ‘86. Her dog...um, it was pretty gruesome actually. But she’s been nothing but an asset down here.”
When everyone was aboard, Charo threw the inboard into reverse and blew a kiss to King Paimon, who blushed.
“Careful of itsy Delilah!” Charo sang out in her bright, clear voice. “She is being a – ha, ha – jumping doggie. Hey, just cause you in Hell that’s no reason to be sad and make a serious long face all the time even if you have a nasty death which is sure not nice but is something I don’t even know, you know?”
She turned the boat around and aimed it at the farther shore, then she sat back and pulled out a guitar. While she steered with one high-heeled foot she began to strum.
“When I feel sad and low a songing is what I need. You think I’m right?”
“Maybe?” a soul piped up from the back of the boat.
“You right I’m right!” Charo beamed, and she began to sing ‘Hava Nagila.’
“ Hava nagila
Hava nagila
Hava nagila v’nismeha.”
It was a catchy interpretation of the wedding reception classic, and some of the souls couldn’t help but nod to the rhythm. Their feet began to tap as she repeated the first verse, and then the music took over and they were all clapping.
“ Hava neranenah
Hava neranenah
Hava neranenah v’nismeha!”
By now the boat was rocking as it cut through the slimy black water and the far shore hove into view. Souls were shouting out the lyrics with Charo now, banging their heads rock concert style, totally surrendering themselves to her groove.
“Come on, all peoples! Let’s songing together.” Charo shouted. And they all joined in.
“ Uru, uru ahim!
Uru ahim b’lev sameah
Uru ahim b’lev sameah
Uru ahim b’lev sameah
Uru ahim b’lev sameah”
By the time the boat docked on the far side of the Acheron it was officially Hell’s own party boat. Souls disembarked, smiling and chatting with each other and a few paused to hug Charo as they went.
“Bye bye now,” she called after them. “You stay fabulous!”
But Sister Mary was not fabulous. Sister Mary was melancholy and lost in thought. She stopped to take a flier from a forlorn woman standing at the end of the dock. Sister Mary’s fingers were just closing over the flier, and the woman’s face was just breaking into a beaming smile, when Satan swatted her hand away.
“Don’t touch that,” he said.
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
“That’s her torment. To hand out fliers no one wants for all eternity. She’s been standing there at the end of that dock for forty-five years and she hasn’t been able to get rid of a single one. Come on, we’ve got to stop by the Mall of the Unbaptized. I need to talk to the philosophers, figure out a game plan.”
Ahead of them the black mud stretched to the horizon, an infinite, barren plain. There was nothing on it except for the Mall of the Unbaptized. It would have been at home in Waterbury or Burbank, the suburbs of Cleveland or outer-ring DC. But here, on this blank, bleak, black-soiled plain it stood out like a freak.
Just then, a tinny voice rang out over the mall intercom system.
“Paging Satan, Lord of Darkness. Paging Satan, Lord of Darkness. Please make your way to the business offices located on the Fifth Circle of Hell.”
Satan looked embarrassed.
“I hate it when they page me,” he said.
“You said the suicides are on the Seventh Circle?” Mary asked.
“Paging Satan, Lord of Darkness,” the voice started again, echoing through the cavern. “Satan? Lord of Darkness?”
“Okay, okay,” Satan said. “I heard you.”
“The suicides?” Mary repeated.
“On the Seventh Circle,” Satan said. “But we’re taking the monorail to Five. It’s faster than walking. Slightly.”
“I want to go to the Seventh Circle,” Mary said.
“We have to get to the business offices.”
“Can I go alone?”
“No, you can’t go alone. You’re a living human being in Hell. It is the least safe place for you in all of Creation. One misstep and you will wind up experiencing pain and horror the likes of which you’ve never dreamed. You are surrounded by creatures whose existences are devoted to causing you misery and suffering. Unsane eyes are watching your every move, waiting for an opportunity to torture you.”
“So I can’t go?”
“No!”
“But I’ve been really impressed with all of this,” she said, mustering a smile. “I really have. I’m rethinking everything I was taught about you. It would mean a lot for me to