said. “One of the wealthiest men in America, and his involvement with the Devil Made Me Do It lawsuit is going to kick things up a notch. This is no longer a nuisance suit – ”
“It was never a nuisance suit,” Nancy Grace snapped. “You think evil is a nuisance?”
“Well, no, but – ” Tina tried.
“This is the Devil. The Holocaust. Abortion. Dead puppies. Ring a bell, Tina? That doesn’t sound like a nuisance to me.”
“I’m sorry,” Tina said. There was an awkward silence while Nancy Grace glowered at her. Then Tina continued. “This suit is now backed by Ted Hunter and his money is going to make sure that this is the lawsuit that takes down evil. Just today, a legal dream team, hired by Ted Hunter, got the judge to issue a subpoena for the Devil. So it looks like he’s going to have his day in court.”
Unrelated footage from Rosemary’s Baby and The Exorcist played behind Nancy Grace.
“I know there are other witnesses who are going to come forward. Could this become a class action case?”
“It could, Nancy. It could.”
“Satan has done nothing to show that he is remorseful, by deed or act. Nothing to show that he is committed to not raping children. Frita Babbit, victim, she will, I’m sure, be with us at a later date. Now, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, toughest sheriff in America, from Arizona, being with us live. Sheriff Joe, once we catch Satan, what are we going to do with him?”
Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s wrinkly blockhead appeared above Tina’s. The loose skin on his neck oozed over his collar.
“Nancy, we need to send a message to demons and supernatural entities all over the world: we’re mad as Hell and we’re not going to take it anymore. If they give the Devil to me, if they put Satan in my custody, I have the first all-female chain gang in the country and my inmates live in tents because I don’t believe in coddling criminals and giving them more rights than decent, law-abiding American citizens. If Satan came here I’d show him Hell.”
“I’d like to see him in your world famous pink underwear,” Nancy Grace chuckled.
“It’s been my experience that my pink underwear program takes the fight right out of perps. Try doing evil in pink underpants,” Sheriff Joe said. “Can’t be done.”
The video feed was now showing footage of children killed in drunk driving accidents. Photos of smiling, now-dead toddlers were flashing on and off the screen, each shot stamped with their age, name and date of death superimposed.
“This is one of the most bizarre lawsuits in modern history,” Nancy Grace said. “And one of the most important. Peter Skeffield, attorney, he’s here to share with us his thoughts. Peter, will Satan get a defense lawyer?”
Peter’s head appeared below Tina and Joe’s. The screen was getting crowded.
“Nancy, this suit is filed in a United States court, so yes, he is entitled to a defense attorney,” Peter said.
“Of course he is,” Nancy says. “So is Osama bin Laden. Does that make it right? A lot of Americans feel we don’t even need a trial. Just turn him over to Sheriff Joe and let’s get rid of Satan once and for all.”
“Well, Nancy, we do live in America and we have the legal system for a reason, even if we don’t always agree with it. Satan is going to get his day in court.”
“Disgusting,” Nancy said. “Trial of the century. Satan: subpoenaed. Long story short: he’s going down.”
The video cut out.
Everyone turned to Satan, who wiped the sweat from his upper lip.
“Well?” Michael said, finally.
“What can they do?” Satan said. “I’m Satan. I live in Hell. How’re they going to serve me papers?”
“I told you he was going to act like this,” Gabriel said.
“Are you talking back? Are you talking back to us.” Barachiel shouted. “You don’t get to talk back! You’ve been cast out! We tell you what to do!”
“This is no longer an issue of what you want to do or don’t want to do,” Michael said. “This is an issue of what you will do. Things are changing, O Lucifer. And today you have one choice to make. Change, or die.”
In the reception area, Sister Mary was lost. Not physically, because she was quite clearly sitting on a functional seating arrangement in a reception area in Heaven. But everything that she thought was true had come unmoored and now her soul wandered, lost in the metaphorical wilderness.