and the mixers went next and soon the blender drinks were just ice and tequila and then someone was crying in the bathroom, and the music got turned up really loud and before you knew it the whole place was trashed and a full-blown party was in swing.
Fortunately, they were in Hell, on the banks of the Acheron River, and a little trashing was hardly going to be noticed. All of Hell was a wreck. The Mall of the Unbaptized was a shattered ruin, the piers where Charo’s pink inboard had ferried the souls of the damned was a jagged series of leaning pilings, the Reeducation Camps had been lit on fire by drunk demons. The sky was dark with smoke. Everyone felt right at home. Even the Minotaur seemed happy.
Nero looked around. Over on one side of the party, Mary sat in a wheelchair, drunk for one of the first times in her life. Minos was introducing her to the demons who were all, now that they were freed from Heaven’s influence, acting extra-demonic. Mary tried to pay attention, but her jaw was wired shut, she was on her third pina colada and her second Demerol and she only had one limb that wasn’t in a cast. She let her mind float along on top of Minos’s words like a happy little raft drifting on the ocean.
The Minotaur was taking on all comers in Yahtzee, and his bellows of, “Yahtzee!” split the air. But he could barely be heard over the J-pop stylings of the Seven Deadly Sins. They had rolled up that morning, fresh from their Japanese tour.
“What happened?” Envy had asked. “This place is a wreck.”
They’d brought back presents: disgusting and inedible candy from Japan that no one wanted. Later that afternoon, two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse had called and they were coming home early.
“So, I guesh it all worked outh,” Mary slurred, wheeling her way over to Nero. “‘Cept fer the whole Hell being totally destroyed thing.”
“We have one hundred million dollars,” Nero said. “All sitting in the Prince of Darkness Defense Fund. Satan hinted that he had a way to get it for us before he vanished. Can you imagine what we could do with one hundred million dollars?”
“Lemme rebuild it,” Mary said. “With thash much money I woan haveta go to Home Depot and pick up a bunsha Mexithans. I can hire good people. Do it right.”
“Give me a proposal tomorrow and we’ll talk.” Nero said. “If you remember this conversation after you wake up.”
They looked out over the mosh pit where hundreds of hipsters were nodding their heads ever-so-slightly in time with the music.
“Whas’ gonna happen to them?” Mary asked.
“I’ve been talking to Death about it,” Nero said. “While he swore never to be Death again, he didn’t say anything about not training new Deaths. Frankly, I can’t think of anything more horrible than an army of undead hipster Deaths.”
Minos joined them and shuddered.
“Hundreds of th’ horrible things running around.” he said. “Makes me wanna puke.”
“I think we can turn them into a real workforce,” Nero said. “You know, I never thought I’d say this but things are starting to turn around for us. It’s a good day to be in Hell.”
And just like that, a demon brought Nero the phone.
“Hell speaking.”
“Nero, it’s me,” Satan said.
“Sir! Where are you? Things are going wonderfully down here, we’ve got – ”
“Listen,” Satan said. “I’m going to disappear for a while.”
“But, sir, you can’t. We have to rebuild.”
“I need to get out of the rat race,” Satan said. “Recharge my batteries. Do you know how long it’s been since I designed a new torment? I’m going to Cleveland. Or maybe Darfur.”
“But sir,” Nero said. “All the money for rebuilding. You never told us how to access it.”
“Right,” Satan said. “About that money.”
“Yes?”
“I embezzled it.”
“Pardon me?”
“I’m Satan. It’s what I do. If there’s any left when I come back I’ll give it to you. But I don’t think there’ll be any left. I’m flying first class.”
Nero felt a headache beginning.
“You’ll find a way, Nero,” Satan said. “Besides, when have we ever needed money? Hell has always been about shoddy workmanship and poor construction.”
“Sir, this is all so sudden.”
“I’ll see you around. Good luck with Hell. You’re in charge until I get back.”
Satan hung up. Nero stared at the phone for a minute.
“Wha?” Mary asked. “Wha? Wha?”
“He embezzled all the money. Now he’s run away. We’re broke.”