not get back up. I knew that was a ludicrous rumor because I could see the foreign soldiers’ knees bulging out like little garlic hammers in their tight uniform pants. Another story about those creatures was that they screwed like horses and donkeys, shooting their wads as soon as they made it in. But a prostitute in the red light district said to me: “Shoot their wads like horses and donkeys, you say? I tell you, these self-styled gods are like oversized boars, and once they climb on top of you, they stay there for the next hour, at least.” People also said that the creatures were always on the hunt for good-looking, clever, quick-witted boys, and when they found them, they pared their tongues with sharp knives so they could learn how to talk like the barbarians. When I asked Master Qian, he had a good laugh over that. “Maybe they do,” he said, “but you don’t have to worry because you don’t have a son.” Then he gently rubbed my belly and, as his eyes lit up, said, “Meiniang, oh, Meiniang, I want you to give me a son!” I told him I didn’t think that was possible. If I could have a child, I said, after all these years with Xiaojia, I’d have one by now. With a gentle squeeze, he said, “Didn’t you tell me your husband is a fool who hasn’t grasped the concept of intimacy?” He squeezed harder, hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. “I haven’t let Xiaojia touch me since the first day I gave myself to you,” I said. “Go ask him if you don’t believe me.” “Are you actually suggesting that I, a dignified Magistrate, the county’s most respected individual, should go calling on an idiot?” “Not even the county’s most respected individual’s prick is carved out of stone,” I said, “and when the most respected individual is soft, what’s the difference between that and a puddle of snot? The most respected individual isn’t above jealousy, is he?” Well, after I said that, he loosened his hand and giggled. Then he took me in his arms and said, “My little treasure, you make my chest swell and my heart soar; you are a magic potion sent down to me by the Jade Emperor . . .” Burying my face in his chest, I said coquettishly, “Why won’t you find a way to take me from Xiaojia so I can spend every day of the year looking after you? I don’t need a formal title; I’ll be content to be your personal serving girl.” He just shook his head. “Don’t be ridiculous. How could I, a dignified County Magistrate, a representative of the Throne, take a citizen’s wife from him? If word of that got out, being mocked would be nothing compared to the certain loss of my official hat.” “Then let me go,” I said. “From this day forward I will never again set foot in this yamen.” Well, he kissed me and said, “But I cannot give you up.” Then, in the style of a Maoqiang actor, he sang, “This official is in dire straits~~” “When did you learn how to sing Maoqiang? Who was your teacher, my dear man of the hour?” “If wisdom you wish to reap, then with a teacher you must sleep,” he said roguishly as he patted me on the buttocks as a prelude to more singing, this time in the style of my dieh, and remarkably similar: “The sky turns yellow as the sun sinks in the west, a tiger runs into the hills, a bird returns to its nest. Only this county boss has nowhere to hide, and must sit in his hall, loneliness to abide~~” “What sort of loneliness must you abide when you have me keeping you company in bed?” Instead of answering me, he turned my buttocks into a cat drum, pounding out a rhythmic, sonorous beat as he continued to sing: “I have been a parched seedling sprinkled with dew, ever since the day I first met you.” “You are forever trying to sweet-talk me,” I said, “me, a village woman who sells dog meat for a living. What good is someone like that?” “Your virtues know no end~~in the heat of summer you are ice, in the depths of winter I’m warmed by the flames you send. Your greatest virtue is how you slake my thirst, till I sweat from every pore and my aging joints