“You mean, you think you belong here? With those two? I can’t believe that.”
“Look, it’s not like you think, Addy. They’re not monsters. They just want to bring everyone to Jesus, and they want Jesus to be part of everything they do. And they don’t think you’re the enemy, either. Only the devil is the enemy. They want everyone to be saved. Not just Christians, but Jewish people, and Muslim people, too. They pray for everyone. I’ll bet they’re praying for you right now.”
“Oh my god.” For the third time that morning, Cole saw Addy recoil. “They’ve brainwashed you.”
Cole said nothing. He did not know how to explain. It wasn’t that he knew exactly what he wanted or what he believed or where he belonged—he was as confused and torn about these things as he had ever been. But he knew he wasn’t ready to pack up and leave today and go live with his aunt. He knew he didn’t want to be adopted by her. (He didn’t want to be adopted by anyone, was the conclusion he’d come to last night.) And he didn’t believe she really wanted him, either. He hadn’t forgotten what he’d been told.
“You don’t want me tying you down, Addy. I know you never wanted kids.”
He felt guilty, seeing her struggle. When she was able to speak again, she said, “Whether I wanted to have kids or not has nothing to do with this, Cole. Of course I want you! And what about your parents? We both know they’d be very, very unhappy about your being here, don’t we? It’s not just that” (gesturing at the screensaver) “or that” (the gun cabinet). “I sat with that woman—”
“Tracy.”
“—for a couple of hours yesterday, and I almost fell off my chair when she told me she’s been homeschooling you. A person like that could never pass herself off as a teacher in any other civilized country. In fact, homeschooling is illegal in Germany. And let me tell you something, Cole. There are Christians everywhere, but it’s only here that you have this craze for keeping kids out of school and trying to ban whatever’s not in the Bible. I know you’re too smart to believe there were dinosaurs on Noah’s ark, but what kind of education can you be getting from people who do believe that?”
She kept trying to look him in the eye, but he kept his head down. He wondered if PW had unpacked the van all by himself that morning. He wondered if PW’s shins ached as much as his own did today.
Addy’s voice softened. “If you tell me they’re not monsters, okay, I accept that. You wouldn’t care about them if they hadn’t been good to you. But I don’t trust them. I don’t trust a preacher who lies when it’s convenient for him. Besides, I’ve checked this guy out. It’s not like he’s a real ordained minister or has a degree in divinity or anything like that.” (Cole didn’t see how, if you didn’t believe in religion at all, these things could make any difference.) “As for those two praying for me, well, if they are, I know what they’re praying for. They’re praying the scales will fall from my eyes and I’ll start believing the same incredibly dumb things they do. But it’s not going to happen, Cole, not any more than this rapture thing is going to happen. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Please don’t get upset.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t help it. It’s not that I’m upset with you, Cole. I know none of this is your fault. It’s just that, whenever I thought about this moment, I never pictured it happening like this. I guess I wouldn’t let myself think you might not want to come with me.”
Had he ever seen Addy cry before? He didn’t think so. But nothing she could have done at that moment could have evoked his mother more powerfully. (Why did we come here? We never should have come!) He sat there as he had done so often with his mother, anguished with guilt but unable to comfort her. And it struck him what it would be like living with Addy, seeing his mother and hearing her voice every day. They had the same smile, the same laugh, the same way of crying.
He would have cried himself then if Addy hadn’t quickly pulled herself together.
“You know what I think?” she said, sitting up very straight. “I think we need to talk about something else.