Salmonella men on Planet Porno: stories - By Yasutaka Tsutsui Page 0,48

sir. This is where you must both persevere. You really must. If not, you’ll never save any money. Am I wrong?”

For a while, I gaped open-mouthed at his sparsely moustached face as he continued to speak. My wife looked on wide-eyed, staring up and down at his neatly trimmed hair – parted on one side – and his carefully brushed suit.

After a moment, I turned to my wife. “Come on then,” I said. “Introduce us. Who is he?”

She gave me a confused look. “What? Isn’t he one of your friends?”

“You mean you don’t know him?!” I said, half standing in surprise.

My wife also rose, and turned to the moustache man. “Er… May I ask what you, er, what you…”

“Have no fear, have no fear,” he said loudly, “Tanaka, Tanaka, Tanaka’s the name!”

As I stood there stunned, he took my hand, squeezed it tightly and shook it vigorously. “I see. I see. You didn’t know me. I see.” He sat on a chair and started to introduce himself.

“Tanaka’s the name, Tanaka, Household Economy Consultant, sent to your apartment block by six local banks, Tanaka’s the name!”

“Did you ask for someone to come?” I asked my wife.

“No,” she replied with a shake of her head.

“Tanaka, Tanaka, Tanaka’s the name!!” The moustache man rose and knelt on the chair with an air of urgency. “With respect, madam, with respect, you must have ticked the box on the questionnaire from your bank, asking if you needed a free Household Economy Consultant?”

“Oh… yes,” my wife replied vaguely. “Well, I thought, if it’s free…”

“Tanaka, Tanaka, Tanaka’s the name!!” repeated the moustache man, shaking my wife’s hand triumphantly. “Here I am. Here I am!” He suddenly knotted his eyebrows. “Madam. I cannot agree with you buying clothes in your current financial straits. Your clothes are perfectly good. Of course, I understand what you mean. You’ve been wearing the same clothes for so many years, they don’t look good, they’re out of fashion. But you’d have nothing to gain by buying new ones, madam. After all, you’re still young. You’re beautiful. You could wear whatever you liked. God gives young people health and beauty to encourage frugality. Go and buy your clothes then. And you won’t be able to make this month’s saving towards your home. Or would you rather have just one meal a day this month? Could you do that? Could you?”

“You’re right. Of course, you’re right,” said my wife, hanging her head low in dejection. “I can do without new clothes.”

I laughed in the pit of my stomach. If I’d said it, she’d have been fuming. But now that an expert had said it, she couldn’t help but agree. I looked at my wife, marvelling at the power mere names and positions of authority have over women.

“Come on, then. Make the guest some tea!” I said, cheerily shaking hands with the moustache man. “You came at just the right time. Just the right time! Hahaha!”

“Yes, I’ll make some tea.”

But as my wife was about to stand up, the moustache man banged his fist hard on the table. “Out of the question! You have nothing to gain by offering me tea. Tea must only be offered to the most exceptional of guests. Even tea’s expensive these days. If you’re thirsty, drink water. You’re both too young to appreciate the taste of tea. Water’s perfectly good for you.”

“Yes, you’re absolutely right,” said my wife with moistened eyes.

In that case, I thought somewhat vacantly, it would also be rather wasteful to bring my friends home.

“Well, seeing as you’re here now, I wonder if you could look at our household accounts,” said my wife.

The moustache man stood up in a hurry. “No. That I cannot do, madam. After all, I’m looking after all fourteen households in this block. I’ve enough on my plate just seeing you all. Besides, in your case, I can more or less guess your accounts without even seeing them.” So saying, he moved to the hallway and slipped his shoes back on. Then, as he opened the door, he turned to face us. “Whatever you do, avoid being wasteful. Though of course, if ever you’re about to be wasteful, I’ll be sure to come and warn you. Hahahaha!” And with that, he left.

“If he’s a Household Economy Consultant, you’d expect him at least to look at our accounts!” my wife said with some dissatisfaction.

“I’d say that shows what a professional he is,” I replied. “He just takes one look around a house and understands everything