Salmonella men on Planet Porno: stories - By Yasutaka Tsutsui Page 0,44

I’ve just come to fix the rifles.”

“Oh, it’s you, is it? The chap who’s come to fix the rifles? In that case, you’re in the right place.” He pointed to a pile of rifles lying in the undergrowth. “They’re the ones that went wrong last night and this morning. Fix them immediately. I’m transferring you to our Platoon as from now. I’ll inform HQ of the change later.”

“All right.”

I immediately opened my toolbox and started repairing the rifles. No bullets or shells would penetrate these woods. I was safe here.

An orderly came with instructions from General Staff Headquarters. The Platoon Leader and all the men were to leave the wood immediately and charge the enemy. I was left alone in the wood, where I continued my work.

Things didn’t go well. It took me the whole morning just to fix four rifles. As soon as I’d fixed one, it was immediately taken off by a soldier. Other soldiers, meanwhile, kept bringing more faulty rifles back in with them. And so, the pile of rifles next to me just kept growing higher.

Noon approached. I was beginning to feel hungry, and decided it was time to open my lunch box. Just then, a platoon of soldiers came into the wood. They passed beside me, chatting noisily. One of them, tall and bearded, followed a little behind the rest. He stopped and stood in front of me.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“What do you think? I’m having my lunch,” I replied, removing the lid from the box.

“Really. Lucky you. Bring your own lunch, do you. Looks good, that.” He swallowed with a gulp. “Army catering’s shite. We can’t fight on that. You got a fag, then?”

I took a pack of cigarettes from my top pocket and passed it to him.

“I haven’t seen this brand before,” he said. “Hold on. These are Galibian cigarettes!”

I looked up in surprise.

The bearded soldier took a step backwards. “You – you’re Galibian!”

I leapt up with a yell and started to run. I’d been so immersed in my work that I hadn’t noticed. The Galibian army had retreated and I was now surrounded by the enemy.

“Stop!” he called out behind me. “Stop, or I’ll fire!”

My legs turned to jelly. I raised my arms and turned around. The Gabati soldier had picked one of the rifles from the pile and was pointing it at me.

“Let me go. I’m a non-combatant!”

The bearded Gabati shook his head. “No. I’m going to shoot you.”

“Sh-shoot me?” I said, shaking with fear. “I don’t want to die! Can’t you just take me prisoner?”

“We’d have nothing to feed you with. There’s no food. So we’ve been ordered to take no prisoners. All Galibians are to be shot!” He checked that the rifle was loaded before aiming the barrel at me once more.

“Say your prayers, mate!”

“Don’t shoot me!” I cried. “I’ll give you my lunch box!”

The bearded Gabati looked down at the lunch box and thought for a moment. Then he shook his head again. “No, no. My superior officer is a right greedy bastard. If he knew I’d let an enemy get away for such a tasty looking lunch box…” He shuddered. “He’d have me shot.”

“I’ve got a wife waiting at home,” I pleaded. “I don’t want to die!”

“I’ll make sure it doesn’t hurt,” the bearded Gabati said apologetically. “I’ll shoot you straight through the heart. I’ve got a good aim.”

“Really?” I had an idea. I took a fountain pen from my breast pocket and placed it on my shoulder. “Show me. Shoot the cap off this pen.”

“All right.” He aimed the rifle at the pen and blew the cap off as if it were nothing.

I took the hand grenade out of my bag and pulled the pin.

“What are you doing?!”

“Running away!” I turned my back on him and fled.

“Shit!” I heard the bearded Gabati cursing behind me. “Bloody thing doesn’t work! The bugger’s tricked me!”

As I’d expected, the rifle had jammed after the first shot.

I turned and hurled the grenade. Then I continued to run for dear life through the wood. My feet hardly touched the ground.

Douff.

There was a dull explosion, and the bearded Gabati’s voice could be heard no more. As I continued to run, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him. He wasn’t all that bad. He probably had a wife and children, too. If only he’d accepted my offer of the lunch box, he would still be alive.

As I emerged from the wood, I could see no sign of friend or foe.