Salmonella men on Planet Porno: stories - By Yasutaka Tsutsui Page 0,16

arrived yet. Saita was on his own, pacing up and down nervously inside the shop.

“Someone’s pacing up and down.”

“It’s me,” said Saita.

We were both about to laugh, but hurriedly covered each other’s mouths with our hands. Our eyes widened. Only our bodies continued to laugh.

We peered through the cracks again.

I arrived.

“Oh, hi,” said Saita.

Saita and I sat facing each other in the reception area at the back of the shop.

“What’s up, then? What’s happened?” I asked, taking out a cigarette.

“Well…” Saita drew circles on the table top. “Well, it’s not such a big deal, really…”

“But you said I should come right away!”

“Yes, that’s right. Well, actually,” he said, and started to giggle.

“What? What’s it all about? Tell me, quick!”

“All right. Well, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you. But please. Don’t laugh.”

“You’re laughing, aren’t you?!”

“Am I? Oh. Well, anyway…”

“What, then?”

“Well, I’ve invented a time machine.”

“…………………”

“D-d-don’t laugh. Don’t.”

“…………………”

“Wahahahahaha!”

“Wahahahahaha!”

“…………………”

“Sorry. Tell me again. What have you done?”

“Er, invented a t-t-time machine.”

“Wahahahahaha!”

“Wahahahahaha!”

“Have you invented a time machine?”

“I’ve invented a time machine.”

“Wahahahahaha!”

“Wahahahahaha!”

“That’s ridiculous. You’ve gone and invented a time machine.”

“Wahahahahaha!”

“Wahahahahaha!”

We wanted to laugh, but couldn’t. So we covered our mouths with our hands and writhed around in contortions on the floor of the upstairs room.

Farmer Airlines

A typhoon started to blow soon after we left the capital. All trains and boats were delayed, forcing us to make unscheduled stops. It was the morning of the third day – the last morning of a three-day trip – when we finally set eyes on our destination: Tit Island.

“Ah. That explains the name.” My photographer Hatayama pointed a finger out across the sea. The island had a single, round mountain in its centre. To be more exact, the mountain was the island.

We were being ferried across in a fisherman’s boat, lurching in all directions with the movement of the waves.

“Is there some legend attached to the island?” I asked as the fisherman rowed on.

“What if there is,” he replied with a surly expression. “Look at the shape of it. There’s bound to be a story or two. Just like any other island. But we keep them to ourselves. If word got round about our legends, tourists would come pouring in. The place would be wrecked.”

So that was one thing less for me to write about. How disappointing.

“What an excellent policy!” said Hatayama with more than a hint of sarcasm. The fisherman grimaced and sniffed loudly. He’d been very reluctant to bring his boat out at all, saying another typhoon was on the way. But we’d managed to persuade him with bribery and a certain amount of grovelling. He was stubborn all the same, as he’d taken an instant dislike to us city types.

“Look! Terraced fields!” cried Hatayama in amazement. He was staring wide-eyed at the foot of the mountain. “I thought it was supposed to be uninhabited!”

“Oh yes! So there are!”

I had every reason to be dismayed. Our magazine had started its ‘Uninhabited Islands’ series in the previous month’s issue. If there were people living on the island, I’d have nothing to write about.

“Daah! No one lives there,” said the fisherman. “People from Shiokawa just go across in boats to farm beans and potatoes.”

Well, that was a relief.

Shiokawa was a small farming-fishing village on the mainland. We’d stayed there the night before, in the village’s single, shabby little inn.

That morning, I’d made a long-distance call from the inn to our Editor-in-Chief in Tokyo. I’d told him we’d be late in reaching the island because of the typhoon, and that our return would also be delayed by a couple of days. For no good reason he’d flown into a rage, accused me of taking it easy when everyone else was working hard, reminded me that ‘Uninhabited Islands’ was originally my idea, and said that I’d only submitted it because I wanted to skive off work. He’d ordered me to be back in the office by the following morning at the latest. If I wasn’t, I’d have my wages docked and the series would be pulled. That had brought me right down. I wondered if we really could return by the following morning. If another typhoon started up, there was no way we’d get back in time. I let out a gloomy sigh when I realized what a disastrous idea it had been.

“The Chief lacks ambition,” said Hatayama, intuiting the reason for my sigh. “If he can’t see you in front of his nose, he thinks you must be up to no good.”

“Yes, but that’s understandable for such a small company,” I

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