Sahm I Am - By Meredith Efken Page 0,54

horrifying moment, I thought he was trying to tell me he was gay. And then, when you got engaged, I had all these visions of some snooty, artsy hotshot who was going to waltz into my house and declare, “I see…heliotrope, with chartreuse highlights. Let’s redecorate!” and I’d come home one day to find all my walls painted the color of grape jelly and my nice, cozy furniture replaced with steel chairs shaped like giant bent spoons spattered-painted in primary colors by first graders. I’ve never been able to watch Trading Spaces without having nightmares! But did I utter a single word? No! I welcomed you into my home and into my heart without a trace of fear. And I’m so glad I did, because you are a sweet girl who has beautiful taste and treats my son well.

My point is this, dear daughters—BACK OFF.

Love,

Mom Jeanine

* * *

From:

Jordan and Becky

To:

Dulcie Huckleberry

Subject:

Well!

* * *

What do you think about Mom’s letter? Here we went to all the trouble of communicating our concern, and she makes fun of us! (Just for the record, Jordan only calls me “mommy” to help the kids learn it. He promised to stop when they get older.)

Becky

* * *

From:

Dulcie Huckleberry

To:

Jordan and Becky

Subject:

Re: Well!

* * *

All I have to say is that if he puts a deep freeze on their registry, I’m calling the police!

Dulcie

* * *

From:

Morris Hash

To:

Dulcie Huckleberry Jordan and Becky

Subject:

Your list of questions

* * *

Dear Dulcie and Becky,

It’s natural for you to have questions about your mother and me getting engaged. I suppose we should have prepared you better for this possibility, but we were hesitant to discuss it even between ourselves until we were really sure. Questions, then, are natural. Your questions, however, were…unnatural. What sort of movies are you girls watching these days?

I’m a reasonable man, so I am going to answer your questions, despite their insulting nature. I hope you find my answers enlightening.

1) Previous relationships: I’m 58 years old, have been married nine times, and have never divorced. All of my wives are quite alive and healthy, thank you, and living in different states. I’m trying to collect three more so I can visit one per month for the whole year, thus my interest in your mother, who will make number 10. I have 76 children total, and so far 118 grandchildren. I promise not to discriminate between you and my biological children, though I must draw the line at birthday presents. Money is tight, you know.

2) History of mental illness: All my ancestors and relatives have been perfectly sane, I assure you. The rumors of my mother having six personalities and my father believing he was Napoleon are greatly exaggerated. And my grandmother really didn’t bury my grandfather in her backyard—that was their pet goat, Norbert, who would have inherited their entire estate if it hadn’t been for Ruby Jenson, a beautiful girl who lived next door. Norbert was dreadfully in love with her, but Ruby refused to have anything to do with a goat, and he died of a broken heart. My grandparents never forgave her. But then they adopted my father from an orphanage. He was a great comfort to them, especially because he particularly enjoyed eating rubber tires—Norbert’s favorite dessert.

3) Finances: I am very comfortably situated. I have over three million dollars in stocks and bonds, as well as four vacation properties. No, wait—that was Dennis Henderson. Then I stole Frank Gages—that was fun. He owned a casino in Las Vegas. You should have seen the penthouse in that hotel…After Frank was Le-Mar Johnston, but that didn’t last long since I wasn’t so good at impersonating a black man. Then Trey Holmes, or was that Jim Goldsen? Anyway, one of them…and then Morris. That’s right. I forget what assets Morris has (or did have, LOL!). Have to get back to you on that one.

4) Religion: I’m an upstanding Christian! Though I am thinking about joining a rural commune led by this great guy who says God told him to stock up on kids’ fruit punch and arsenic because of the coming global nuclear war…

5) Career Aspirations: I don’t plan to ever perform on stage. My skills are more in management. I plan to open up Branson-style theaters all across the Middle East. Don’t the possibilities just take your breath away?

Well, I hope that helps you feel a bit more comfortable about me marrying your mother. Don’t worry, girls. I’m planning to take