it in front of her, since he’d already done so. Instead, as if reading his mind, she signaled to the bartender and he brought over another one. Kevin took a large gulp, still thinking it tasted like water.
“Is it okay that I did that?” she asked.
“It’s okay,” he said.
She stared at him, her expression sultry. “I wouldn’t tell your wife that you were here if I were you.”
“Why not?” he asked.
“Because you’re way too handsome for a place like this. You never know who would try to hit on you.”
“Are you hitting on me?”
It took her a moment to answer. “Would you be offended if I said yes?”
He spun the glass slowly on the bar. “No,” he said, “I wouldn’t be offended.”
After drinking and flirting for another two hours, they ended up at her place. Amber understood that he wanted to be discreet and gave him her address. After Amber and her friend left, Kevin stayed in the bar with Todd for another half hour before he told Todd that he had to get home so he could call Erin.
When he drove, the world blurred around the edge of his vision. His thoughts were jumbled and confusing and he knew he was swerving but he was a good detective. Even if he was stopped, he wouldn’t be arrested because cops don’t arrest other cops, and what were a few drinks?
Amber lived in an apartment a few blocks away from the bar. He knocked at the door, and when she opened it she was wearing nothing beneath the sheet she had wrapped around her. He kissed her and carried her to the bedroom and felt her fingers unbuttoning his shirt. He placed her on the bed and undressed and turned out the light because he didn’t want to be reminded that he was cheating on his wife. Adultery was a sin and now that he was here he didn’t want to have sex with her, but he’d been drinking and the world appeared smudged and she’d been wearing nothing except a sheet and it was all so confusing.
She wasn’t like Erin. Her body was different, her shape was different, and her scent was different. She smelled spicy, animal-like almost, and her hands moved too much, and everything with Amber was new and he didn’t like it but he couldn’t stop, either. He heard her calling out his name and saying dirty things and he wanted to tell her to shut up so he could think about Erin, but it was hard to concentrate because everything was so confusing.
He squeezed her arms and heard her gasp and say, “Not so hard,” and he loosened his grip, but then he squeezed her arms again because he wanted to. This time she said nothing. He thought about Erin and where she was and whether she was okay and thought again how much he missed her.
He shouldn’t have hit Erin because she was sweet and kind and gentle and she didn’t deserve to be punched or kicked. It was his fault she was gone. He’d driven her away, even though he loved her. He’d searched for her and hadn’t been able to find her and he’d been to Philadelphia and now he was with a woman named Amber who didn’t know what to do with her hands and made strange noises and it felt all wrong.
When they were done, he didn’t want to stay. Instead, he got out of bed and started to get dressed. She turned on the lamp and sat up in bed. The sight of her reminded him that she wasn’t Erin and he suddenly felt sick to his stomach. The Bible says The man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys his own soul.
He had to get away from Amber. He didn’t know why he’d come, and as he stared at her, his stomach was in knots.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I shouldn’t be here,” he said. “I shouldn’t have come.”
“It’s a little late now,” she said.
“I have to go.”
“Just like that?”
“I’m married,” he said again.
“I know.” She gave a weary smile. “And it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” he said, and after getting dressed, he left her apartment and raced down the steps and jumped in his car. He drove fast but didn’t swerve because the guilt he felt was like a sharp tonic to his senses. He made it home and saw a light on at the Feldmans’ and he knew they would peek out their window as he