A pulsing pain passes through my chest, just like it always does when I think of him. I blame myself for our breakup, but I still resent him for not loving me like he promised he would.
After the heartbreak of leaving him behind, and the excruciating pain of his silence, I learned one thing: I should have told him about everything. I should have been honest with him from the start about the baby, about Beckett, even about my disease.
Starting a relationship with him under false pretenses was wrong, and that’s why it fell apart. Of course, he could have acted more graciously. Of course, he could have been kinder. Of course, he could have loved me anyway.
But I’m the one that lied by omission. I’m the one that was too much of a coward to say anything.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few months, it’s that I need to be more honest with everyone—including myself. I don’t want my child to grow up with a mother who’s afraid to face her demons, or who can’t say how she feels. I don’t want to hide my illness from my sister and my child. I don’t want to die quietly, like Mama did. I want to live. Even if it isn’t the longest life, I want to live it to its fullest.
I’m sick of being afraid. I’m sick of being small.
“Dante’s been struggling.” Ivy glances at me, and the sound of the Prince’s name makes my ears perk up.
I clear my throat. “What do you mean?”
“He’s been mopey and weird since you left. Luca says that’s how he was when he was younger. He’ll disappear for days at a time and barely talks to anyone.”
“Oh.” I’m not quite sure what to do with that information. By the way Ivy is staring at me, I can tell my response isn’t enough for her.
Silence hangs between us. I stare at the ceiling, and for the first time, I realize that the only way for me to live my life is if I’m completely open. Honest. Free.
“I have Huntington’s.”
The revelation just falls out of my mouth. I hadn’t even intended on telling her tonight. I knew I wanted to tell her, but I didn’t know it would happen like this.
Ivy stares at me blankly. “What?”
I turn my head to meet her gaze, swallowing thickly. I nod. “Yeah.”
“Since when?”
“Well, I’m guessing since I was born. It is genetic, after all.”
“Don’t be a dick,” Ivy grunts. “When did you find out? We both got tested. It was negative!”
I shake my head. “Yours was negative.”
“You’ve been positive for six months? Since before…”
“I found out the day I slept with Beckett. The day he made me overdose.” I sigh, shaking my head. “Worst day of my life.”
Ivy’s bottom lip trembles and her eyes fill with tears. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Her voice is barely above a whisper.
I heave myself off the sofa, moving to sit beside her. Wrapping my arms around my sister, I hold her close.
“I was scared,” I answer simply. “Then, I found out about the baby…”
“Is the baby okay?”
I give her a tight smile. “I decided not to get the test.”
“But…”
“I know. I just couldn’t face the decision I’d have to make if it was positive.” I smile sadly. “I never said I was brave. I just said I have Huntington’s.”
Ivy nods, wiping a tear from her cheek. I smile at my sister, squeezing her closer. She cries into my chest, and I pat her head and rock her back and forth.
I don’t feel sad.
I feel free.
I said the words out loud, and I didn’t get hit by a bolt of lightning. Nothing bad happened, apart from Ivy’s tears.
The truth is out there now.
I have Huntington’s disease. Over the next fifteen or twenty years, I’ll develop twitches and jerks. I’ll lose control over my movements. I might have trouble walking, talking, swallowing. My personality will likely change and I’ll have trouble reasoning.
I’ll die young.
All those things are true, and I’ve said it out loud. Now, Ivy knows the truth, too.
I’m no longer afraid.
31
Dante
I thought things would get easier when Beckett was found.
They haven’t.
Theo looks like he’s aged ten years in the last ten days. I’ve isolated myself again, hiding from cameras and people like I used to.
All the while, I think of Margot.
After Ivy and Luca leave for Farcliff, I feel Margot’s absence even more.
Still, I can’t get over her betrayal. The fact that she jumped from Luca,