Royal Line (Tattered Royals #1) - Carrie Ann Ryan Page 0,54
with.
Not when Kannon echoed through my thoughts and made me think of things I needed that I couldn’t have.
It had to be the emotions of everything else tumbling through my brain for me to feel like this.
I barely knew him, but I felt him. He had told me his deepest and darkest secrets, and he had leaned on me.
Maybe for him, it could be just sex. It could just be flesh and need and desire.
And I would have to be okay with that.
What worried me most was the idea that I kind of wanted more.
Could I fall for him?
No, I couldn’t. That would put me in the lane of every single woman in history who had fallen for the man who had saved her life.
But I needed to save my own life. I needed a life that was mine, one that I had fought for, and could continue working on.
I had to focus on that and not on the idea that a man who touched me, who said he craved me, could want anything more.
Because going down that path would only hurt us both in the end.
But I wanted it. Wanted him. No man had ever touched me like that. No man had ever made me feel like that.
This feeling, it couldn’t be love.
Because if it was, then I had not only lost my mind, but I’d also lost all semblance of the person I tried so hard to be.
I got up from the bed and began to pace the room.
There were more important things in life than the emotions that I was going through. Focusing on those emotions kept me from concentrating on what was important. Like who was after me, who wanted to hurt my family.
Something nagged me in the back of my mind, something I needed to think of, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was. I was so out of my depth, and I needed to find my footing.
It wasn’t easy when all I could do was close my eyes and imagine Kannon over me and me arching into him.
“And that’s enough of that.”
I ran my hands through my hair, picked up my camera, and went through a few of my photos. I flipped through the images, remembered the moment I’d stood in place to take each one.
I was the one capturing those memories, and yet I was on the other side of the lens. I was part of the moment, and yet not. That’s how I felt in every other part of my life too, like I was there but not really an integral part of what was happening around me. Part of the royal family, just so far down the hierarchy that I was only there as a stand-in until Roman finally married.
I was part of my siblings’ lives, and yet wasn’t one of the brothers, and therefore always on the outside looking in.
I was part of my country, and yet mostly just a symbol for them.
I was part of the world, and yet apart. Watching, waiting, asking to be let in, knowing I would never be.
I couldn’t take that step forward and push my way through, because if I did, it might irrevocably harm others around me.
Look at what had happened once I left the confines of my country. Bullets had come at me, but not just at me.
Kannon’s team was in danger because they were protecting me.
How could I go into the real world and pretend that I could keep others safe?
The fact that those words echoed something Kannon had said didn’t escape me.
Kannon.
The one man I couldn’t have.
Not because he didn’t have the right bloodlines. Not because my family wouldn’t approve.
He was just as growly and grumbly as my brothers. They would probably welcome him with open arms after they interrogated him and kicked him around a bit just for good measure.
Because that’s what big brothers did.
But no, Kannon had loved before. He had been broken.
And he felt like all that was left was a shell. Though the shell that had been left behind wasn’t substantial enough to venture far into the world. He was here to protect. He was there for others.
But not for himself.
And therefore, not for me.
There was a light knock on my door.
Assuming it was Sparrow, I called out, “Come in.”
The door opened, and I set down my camera. My words caught in my throat as Kannon walked into the bedroom, his hands running a towel over his head, his body glistening with water from the shower.