prostate glands, until the flow of semen is expelled from here—and now I fear that my wrist has a mind of its own because it seems as if Mr. Crouch is approaching a fetal position. It is not my wish to perform an accidental vasectomy, so perhaps I ought to let our volunteer take his seat. His reaction is, however, worth noting. It is a sensitive bundle of parts, the male genitalia, certainly not anything you want someone striking repeatedly with a metal rod. Although if that person is yours truly, a teacher trained in all things anatomical, then one might hope such a teacher knows what he is doing. One might hope. Now, now, boys and girls, I appreciate the show of enthusiasm, but let’s at least attempt to keep the volume to a low roar.”
30.
FUN AND GAMES CONTINUED to the superhit stylings of Richard Marx and Wang Chung. The latest game involved an enormous beach ball and a volleyball net, but I had successfully convinced Stettlemeyer to let me sit this one out on account of a “stomachache.” Gottschalk had only connected two or three times, but the tip of his pointer was equal to a Rhino kick any day. I crouched against the bleachers, my midsection aching, and watched Woody on his way to the weight room. He smiled at Celeste and then at me, though the qualities of the smiles were vastly different.
Stettlemeyer blew the whistle and the game began. I leaned my head back and counted. Five hundred and seventy-one seconds later two ratty sneakers approached. It was Foley, my silent partner in this ongoing disgrace, having been rotated out of all the bouncing bullshit.
“Gottschalk got a little personal today,” he said.
Foley shared my biology period, though it had taken me half the semester to realize it. My pulse raced as he sat down next to me, but I kept quiet—it was the safest course.
“Supposedly five or six years ago a kid tried to call him on his shit and sued the school for emotional damages. The whole town went ballistic. He’s got like ten degrees, so everyone thinks he’s God. The lawsuit got dropped and Gottschalk got a raise out the deal. So if you’re thinking of appealing to the greater good, think again.”
I kept my eyes on the girls. Heidi Goehring had the ball and didn’t know what she was supposed to do with it, but I liked how the heat of exercise had turned her cheeks pink.
“I hear what they call you,” Foley added.
“Congratulations,” I said.
“No need to be a dick. I just have ears.”
“Well, that’s good information to know. Thanks for that.”
“Dick,” he said under his breath.
We sat in silence for a moment, listening to the shrieks of the girls and watching the beach ball twirl across dozens of bright fingernails.
“Ever heard of a power dump?” he asked.
I glanced at him. “No.”
“It’s when a whole bunch of guys sneak into your house and take a dump in a huge pile. Happened to me in eighth grade. I didn’t find it till much later because my mom was driving me back from my dad’s. When she saw it she cried like a baby. This was at a different school. Different kids than Woody and Rhino. But basically the same kind of assholes.” He snorted. “Literally.”
It took me a second but I snorted, too. The echo of that tiny noise swelled, pushing all air from my chest. Laughter—at Bloughton High. Was such a fluke possible to replicate? My brain reeled with words, jokes, enticements that could keep Foley at my side before he remembered that I was lethal. My name’s Joey. I could at least say that. Foley, right? But I had no oxygen, no saliva.
“Anyway,” he said, standing up. “There’s always gonna be Woodys and Gottschalks. It’s just a matter of making yourself so they don’t see you. Right?”
And then the next girl rotated out and Foley moved to replace her. I watched him slink away, hoping he’d give me a smirk or raised eyebrow, something that said I was not alone. It was too much to hope for. I did not hold it against him.
31.
FRIDAY, HOMECOMING, AND THE white faces of Bloughton High were striped in red and black. The entire building rattled with artificially induced excitement. The morning’s regular schedule was interrupted by a pep rally, during which I sat in with the band as Celeste beat the odds by stealing the crown from her senior counterparts. I found myself