Roses Are Red - Miranda Rijks Page 0,37

again.

‘Go away!’ she says. Her voice sounds choked.

I turn the door handle, but she has wedged a chair up against it and I have to push hard to get it to open. Mia’s bedroom is in darkness, the only light coming from her mobile phone, which is lying on her bed.

‘Darling, we need to talk.’ I squeeze through the doorway and walk to the side of her bed. I kneel down next to her.

‘I said go away. Which bit of that don’t you understand?’ Her clipped tone of voice sounds like mine when I’m chastising her. It makes me want to weep.

‘I need to tell you what’s going on. To explain.’

‘It’s pretty bloody obvious. My mother is a whore who couldn’t wait for my dad to die so she can bonk someone else.’

I grit my teeth. ‘Mia, do not talk to me like that! It’s not what it seems.’

She turns then and sits up. I can just make out her pale features, her long, dark hair framing her face, the wetness running down her cheeks. I want to hug her, to make things better for my little girl. But I know I can’t.

‘You treat me like I’m a kid, but I’m not. I’m more mature than you are.’ She stifles a sob.

‘Darling, I know you’re angry and you feel betrayed, but I need to tell you about Dad and me. You must have noticed that things weren’t good between us, that we were arguing loads. We had decided to divorce. We were about to instruct solicitors when he… died.’ I still find it so hard to say that.

‘Oh, for God’s sake, Mother. Don’t fucking well lie to me! Just because Daddy isn’t here to defend himself. You disgust me.’

I stand up. ‘Do not swear at me.’

She slides down the bed again, turning her back to me. She does nothing to hide the desperate sobs that engulf her body. I bend over her, stroking her forehead like I used to do when she found it difficult to fall asleep. She shoves my hand away.

‘Go. Just leave me alone.’

So I do. I back out of her room and gently close the door behind me. I lean against the wall in the hall and let out a sigh.

I feel like the worst mother on earth, as if I have totally betrayed my own children, putting my needs before theirs. Should I dump Patrick and focus on them for the next couple of years, park my own happiness for a while? Or could there be some sort of compromise? I simply don’t know.

I sleep terribly, worrying about Mia. Now I’m pacing up and down the kitchen, my coffee cup in my hand, and I decide honesty is the best policy. I will invite Patrick over for supper and introduce him properly. I send him a text and then try to do some work. It’s so difficult to concentrate.

It is nearly midday when both the children are up, slurping from bowls of cereal at the kitchen table. Mia refuses to look at me.

‘Kids, I want to tell you something.’

Oliver looks up, his spoon held in midair. Mia ignores me.

‘Before Dad died, he and I had decided to get a divorce. We were going to tell you when it was a bit more sorted. We wanted to minimise the impact on you. But then… Anyway, we both love you so much, and the three of us would have stayed living here. The thing is, Dad fell in love with someone else, so I started looking for someone else too.’

‘Whore,’ Mia whispers under her breath.

‘Mia!’

A curtain of tangled dark hair obscures her face.

‘I’ve met someone I like a great deal, and I’d like to introduce him to you.’

Oliver looks dumbfounded. He drops his spoon and it clatters into his cereal bowl, splattering milk on the table.

‘I’m sorry this is such a shock for you both. I know you’ve been through so much. Too much. But please know I love you both with all my heart and that will never, ever change. His name is Patrick, and I’ve invited him for supper so you can both meet him.’

Mia scrapes her chair back and flees the room.

Oliver bursts into tears.

I throw my arms around him. It’s obvious I’ve done this all wrong. But how should I have told them? Surely it’s better that they know the truth? Oliver lets me hug him and soothe him until his tears dry up, and all of a sudden, he pulls away from