RoomHate - Penelope Ward Page 0,73

fear that he wouldn’t want to come back to this mundane life on the island. He would be experiencing something completely new. A music tour would be chock full of excitement—temptation. No limitations.

I couldn’t let him see how terrified I was; the only thing worse than his leaving would be if he decided not to go because of my insecurities. While I couldn’t stop him from leaving, the one thing I could do was attempt to protect myself in the only way I knew how. For the remainder of his time on the island, I couldn’t allow myself to get any closer to him physically or emotionally. If we could survive his going away, then I would know that he was serious about us. Until then, it was necessary to live my life under the assumption that he may not be coming back. This tour would be the ultimate test.

The beach air filled my throat as I ran. It was so windy that sand was flying into my eyes and mouth as I dodged seagulls.

Finally arriving back at the house, I stopped just inside the door before entering. Justin had the radio on and was dancing around the kitchen with Bea. She would laugh every time he spun her around real fast. The music faded into the background, taking a backseat to the loud noise of the anxious thoughts passing through my mind. It hit me that I wasn’t going to be the only one devastated by his leaving. Bea had no clue he would be gone in a matter of days. She wouldn’t even be able to understand why he left. My heart hurt for her, and he wasn’t even gone yet.

***

It’s always when you want time to stand still that it flies the fastest.

After Justin accepted the tour gig, he found out he only had a week and a half before he had to report to Minneapolis. He was going to drive the Range Rover back to New York then catch a flight to meet Calvin and the rest of the crew in Minnesota where they would kick off the tour.

Because the other musician had dropped out so suddenly, there wasn’t a lot of time to prepare. Justin got lucky because when he explained the situation to the managers at his day job, they agreed to grant him an unpaid leave of absence. The president of the software company that Justin worked for was a huge Calvin Sprockett fan, so that helped.

While on the outside everything was falling into place, in my mind, everything was falling apart. I wanted so badly to just be thrilled for him—a part of me was. I just couldn’t separate that part from my own sadness and fear.

While we used those final days wisely, spending time together with Bea, things were extremely tense between us. Right after he’d made the decision to go on the tour, I explained to Justin during coffee one morning that I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to take things any further physically before he left. I told him it would only make his leaving more difficult for me. I used that as a big excuse. Even though he claimed to understand, I knew deep down he saw it for what it was: a lack of faith in his loyalty to me. I retreated to my own room every night, and he didn’t try to stop me.

Two days before his scheduled departure, I had to go to Providence to grab my stuff out of storage. I could no longer afford to keep it there, since I wasn’t working. I planned to donate as much of it as I could and have a yard sale in Newport for some of the smaller items. Most of it was stuff I no longer needed anyway. My friend Tracy’s husband met me with his truck and helped me load most of the belongings before he transported the majority to a Salvation Army store.

Justin had stayed behind in Newport with Bea while I made the trek to Providence.

The entire ride back home to the island, I was filled with emotion over Justin’s impending departure. I could almost hear the clock ticking in my brain. The past several months played in my head like a movie that was nearing its end. There was no doubt in my mind that this exposure would give Justin unprecedented fame. He was about to be swallowed up whole, and I really didn’t think he knew