in the shuttered cabin, listening to the rain drum, in darkness except for the oil lamps. The woodstove held the storm’s chill at bay.
Cozy, except that it felt like a bunker, Sky thought. That was her fault for wanting the shutters closed. All of a sudden she remembered what Craig had said about when he came home from the war and he couldn’t stand a closed door even in his own apartment.
“Craig? Are these shutters making you feel uneasy?”
“Not really. I can’t see much from the windows anyway. I’d have to patrol occasionally regardless.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about.”
His gray gaze was steady, his eyes an exact match for the dark clouds outside. “I know. I’m fine. I’m luckier than most. I got past it.”
But she wondered. “You chose a career that keeps you in the middle of nowhere away from people most of the time.”
His eyes narrowed and his face seemed to tighten. “I like it.”
“I can see that. And you said you’d always been interested in forestry. But...what if they sent you to a busier place? Would you still like it as much?”
“I started in a busier place before I came here.” His tone grew a little edgy, almost defiant.
“Okay.”
He leaned across the table toward her. “What are you trying to say, Sky? That I’ve got a major hang-up?”
She felt herself blanch. “No. No, it never crossed my mind!”
“Then what’s crossing your mind?”
The truth was, he was right but she didn’t want to admit it. Only a few days ago she’d dissociated for no good reason for the first time in years. Renewed lack of trust in her own mind was leading her to question him, perhaps seeking reassurance that he, too, occasionally got bitten by the past. “I guess...well, you saw what happened to me. That hasn’t happened for years now. Maybe I just don’t want to feel so abnormal.”
His expression altered completely, speeding from astonishment to concern. “You’re not abnormal.”
“How can I tell that?”
“You have to believe that. You’ve been in a war, you came back and you actually managed to put a life together for yourself. Some guys can’t do that, yet they’re normal, too. Damn it, Sky, can anyone go to war and come back unchanged?”
She knew the answer to that, knew it all too well. Her work with vets had even taught her how bad it could get, and how lucky she was.
“I don’t blame you for being uneasy,” he went on. “You got caught unexpectedly by something that you thought was behind you. That chips at your trust in yourself. I get it. But look at the past few days and how much has been going on. You haven’t slipped away. In fact, you’ve stayed front and center. You’re okay.”
She remained mute, trying to accept his reasoning. The army had taught her a lot of confidence, but it was confidence in other things, things that didn’t often matter in civilian life. Overall, though, apart from Hector, she’d built a pretty decent life for herself. Day by day, Iraq slowly faded into memory. It almost never surged up fresh anymore.
“It’ll keep getting better,” he said. “Man, I put a Mossberg in your hands the other day and you didn’t flash back. What makes you so unsure of yourself?”
Plenty, she thought. Hector had undermined more than her womanhood, she suspected.
“I guess,” he continued, “that some people might think I’m hiding out here. I don’t feel like it. I feel like I’m doing something really important, protecting this forest, this habitat, this environment for future generations. This place is teeming with life and I love it. I love watching the seasons change, watching plants grow, watching boulders tumble and streams rush. I love learning how things interact with each other, and how interdependent life really is. Being out here is almost a form of enlightenment for me. It’s a different kind of city, but every bit as important to our survival.”
“Maybe more so,” she agreed. With a sigh, she let go of the troubled feelings. “I love it here, too. More than once since I arrived I wished there was a way I could stay. There’s a connection of some kind here that I don’t get in all the hustle and bustle of a city. There’s even more time.”
“Time?”
“Time to just experience without racing on to the next thing on some to-do list. I must have spent a couple of hours sitting in that gorge, just soaking it in. I’d never do that at home.”