“I only did it for two positions,” I said quickly. “And only for two that I thought you would be perfect for, two that I knew you’d love. They’re both out west. One of them is working in a center focused on mental health and substance abuse victims, and the other is on a Native American reservation working with senior citizens.” My hands started shaking the more I spoke, my excitement growing. “I had to do some digging for your community service history, and I wrote a motivational statement on your behalf, but… well… yeah. I applied for you.”
She gaped at me, and my heart raced more.
“Obviously, you don’t have to go,” I said, trying to gauge her reaction. I thought maybe she was in shock, or maybe she didn’t think it was possible, that this was something she could do. I aimed to show her that it was. “And you can apply to different ones if those don’t interest you. I just… I wanted you to know that you can do whatever you want. If you want to go into the Corp, you can. If you want to go back to school, you can. Because even if your parents cut you off, AmeriCorps will help pay for your education. And I’ll go with you,” I said, but as soon as the words left my lips, I paled. “I mean, if you want me to. Or I can stay here and wait, whatever you want. But what I’m trying to say is… we’re a team, Ruby Grace.” I smiled, smoothing my thumbs over her wrists. “We’re in this together, and it’s not just about me and my dreams. It’s about you and yours, too.”
The rain picked up, the ting ting on the roof the only sound between us as Ruby Grace opened her mouth, shut it again, opened it, shut it. She searched my eyes with a look I couldn’t decipher — something between awe, love, shock, and hurt. All of those emotions existed in equal measure in those hazel eyes, and my stomach knotted tighter, my thumbs still rubbing her wrists.
“Can you say something, please?” I said on a soft laugh.
Ruby Grace rolled her lips together before closing her eyes, and she shook her head, as if the next words she was about to speak were burning her tongue but she was holding her mouth closed to try to keep them in anyway.
And when she finally spoke, I understood why.
Ruby Grace
My throat burned as I tried to sort through the thoughts in my head.
Every fiber of my heart urged me to throw myself into Noah’s arms, to wrap myself up in him and cry tears of thankfulness. Here he was, the man I’d always dreamed of, showing me the kind of love I’d wanted all my life — the kind of love my fiancé would never give me.
And I had to walk away from it.
I had to walk away from him.
Tears stung my eyes when I finally opened them. Noah stared back at me, hope lit up in his cobalt blue irises, and he waited for me to speak.
You’re amazing.
No one has ever cared for me this way.
I feel more like myself when I’m with you than I ever have before.
You’re everything I want.
I love you.
“How could you?” I said, instead, and all the color drained from Noah’s face when the words were in the air between us.
“I…” He closed his mouth, swallowing. “What?”
The tears I’d been holding at bay broke free, sliding down each cheek in parallel lines as I formulated the lie I had to tell him.
It didn’t matter that I felt the same about him that he felt for me.
It didn’t matter that I wanted him, that I wished more than anything in the entire world that I could kiss him and hold him and say, “Of course, I want to go, and of course, I want you to go with me!” I wished I could leave this town behind, leave my family obligations and expectations in the dust and just take on the world with him at my side.
But this wasn’t a movie.
This was my life.
And in my life, there was more to think about than just my own selfish wants. I had a mother depending on me, a father in trouble he couldn’t get out of on his own, a sister who was oblivious to the peril — and I